Lord of the Minks: Fellowship of the Fools
by in these chains
Summary: What, another parody where insane people are sent into Middle Earth? Come on... you know you want to read it! Basically, 13yearold Liana, four friends and two cats are warped into Middle Earth and wreak havoc on the story. FINISHED!
1. Of Talking Cats and Sandwidge Theft

**Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. WARNINGS: modern people becoming Middle Earth races, swearing, perverted teenagers, talking cats, people joining the Fellowship, overall idiocy.**

It was your average normal cloudy fifty-two-degrees-Fahrenheit day. In other words, my kind of weather. I was sitting on the beach with my cat, Stimpy, my friends Saria and Amlia, and Molly, a Jamaican cat who belonged to Saria. We weren't swimming, we were just sitting on the sand, talking and being idiots. We had ridden our bikes to Jones beach from straight from our school. Not, I'll admit, the smartest thing, but it had been fun. Stimpy and Molly were on kitty leashes. Stimpy is a big fat gray-and-white-and-black tabby cat, and Molly is a chubby, but not as fat as Stimpy, black cat.

I, Liana, have medium-length brown hair that is highlighted red and was wearing a black shirt that had vampire fangs on it and said "BITE ME" with black pants and my white sneakers (I wore them for badminton) with their amazingly excellent shoelaces. One was black with red skulls and one was gray with black skulls. I also wore contact lenses.

Amelia was wearing a green denim jacket and blue jeans with green Converse. She wore glasses, and her short light brown hair was hanging free and kind of puffing up but Amelia didn't care.

Saria had short VERY dark brown hair and glasses as well, a _Corpse Bride _T-shirt and black pants with chains hanging out of the pockets. She had red-and-black Converse, and her shoelaces matched mine.

We were goofing around, not doing anything that would cause anything weird to happen, when our friend Antony appeared. He is kind of short, and was wearing a blue T-shirt, blue jeans, and I never paid attention to his sneakers. His brown hair was buzzed close to his head.

Saria rolled her eyes at the sight of him. She and Antony aren't exactly best friends.

"Hey, Antony!" I yelled, and he waved. Saria was groaning.

"What's up, other than Elijah Wood being sexy?" Amelia asked him as he sat down next to her.

"Nothing," he said, "and, uh, ew. I'm just bored. It's so boring when you don't have anything to do except homework, so--"

"Why'd you come all the way out here?" I interrupted. He had his backpack, as did the three of us.

" I just felt like it. Ya know? When you do something just because you feel like it? For no reason other than you just feel like it, but there's no real purpose. I-"

"Antony, shut up." He never stops talking.

That worked for us. Stimpy and Molly nosed his hand and decided that they liked him. It was only a few minutes before Rodney showed up. Rodney is an inch or so taller than I am (no big achievement) and was wearing a white jersey with a blue collar and blue shorts, and, again, I hadn't paid attention to his shoes. He had brown hair that stuck up in the front.

Antony and Rodney nodded cooly at each other. They're not best friends either. Actually, Antony and Saria tolerate each other, while he and Rodney hate each other.

"Rod! Come! Sit! Enjoy! One! Word! Sentences! Separated! By! Exclamation! Points!" I said, and he sat down next to Saria, as far from Antony as our towel allowed. I was about to say something, but quite suddenly, the scenery just... changed. I can't really explain it. One minute there's a pretty sunset on a beach with nine-foot waves and the next minute, there's a shimmer and the five of us, plus the cats, are in the middle of a bunch of gigantic trees.

Antony, predictably, was the first one to speak. "Okay, what the hell just happened?"

"I have no damn clue..." I said. "But doesn't this look kinda familiar?"

Antony gave me a weird look, but Rodney, Saria and Amelia were nodding. "Did I miss something?"

"Other than a brain?" quipped Rodney.

"HA, HA, so funny, Rodney!" snapped Antony.

"Okay, shut up," said Amelia.

I suddenly realized that I had to look all the way up to talk to anyone. My clothes were too big... "Uhh, you guys got a lot taller."

"Huh?" Saria looked at me. "Uh..."

"Liana, you're a midget!"

"Thanks, Amelia."

"No, really..." Amelia dug a tiny mirror out of her purse and handed it to me. I could feel my ears, which were now giant and pointy. Dreading what I'd see, I sat down and pulled my shoes, which were now too big, off.

The foot was hairy.

"AAAAAAHH! I'M A HOBBIT! I'M A HOBBIT! GOD! I'M A FRIGGIN' HOBBIT!"

"LIANA, CALM DOWN!" yelled four voices.

Amelia ran a hand through her hair. Her eyes widened as her fingers brushed her ear. "Oh... my... god... I'M AN ELF?"

Immediately, though Antony had no idea what was going on, everyone felt their ears. Only Rodney freaked out.

"AAAH! ELF! I'M AN ELF! I'M AN EEEELF!"

"I don't feel any different at all," said Antony. "Are you guys _on_ something?"

"No, it's quite simple," said Saria. "Liana was turned into a hobbit, Rodney and Amelia into elves and me and you aren't special because we're still humans. At least we're not dwarves."

"WOULD SOMEONE MIND EXPLAINING WHAT'S GOING ON?"

"We're in_ Lord of the Rings_, apparently," I said quietly.

"Either that or we're being Punk'd," said Rodney dryly.

"I'm not famous, are you?"

Antony paled.

"What?" Antony was not your biggest LOTR fan. "Ha. Ha. Ha, hahahaha... ha... ehh..." He made this weird noise.

"Antony?" said Amelia, waving a hand in front of his face. "Antony..."

"I DON'T LIKE _LORD OF THE RINGS_!" he screamed, running around in circles.

"CALM DOWN, MAN!" yelled Saria. She grabbed Antony's backpack and he fell on his ass.

"Thanks... I needed that..."

"Yeah, we should all WORK TOGETHER TO SOLVE THIS!" I exclaimed, putting on a big stupid happy face. Then I let my face relax into a frown. "Yeah, let's do THAT."

"Shut up, Liana," said six voices. Wait... there were only four people! But one continued. "You are quite brainless and impulsive. I ask that you SHUT UP and let the INTELLIGENT ones solve this."

"Who da...?"

"DOWN HERE, YOU SIMPLETON!"

I looked down. Stimpy was standing by my feet, looking at me. A Jamaican-accented voice spoke next.

"Stimpy, man, you bein' too hard on da girl!"

"MOLLY!" screamed Saria, grabbing the black cat up in a huge hug. "I ALWAYS KNEW YOU COULD TALK!"

"See, Liana, your FRIENDS are intelligent," said Stimpy. "You could at least have NAMED me a suitable name! I understand that you were barely a year old, but _really..._"

Besides Saria, who was hugging Molly and rambling about how no one had believed her when she'd said the cat could talk, everyone was staring at either Stimpy or Molly.

"What are you looking at?"

"Hey, juss go wit' da flow, people, juss go wit' it."

Rodney's eyes were bugging out of his head. Antony looked kind of dazed. Amelia was looking around wildly, as if expecting something to hit her. And I just stared at my cherished cat as he finished insulting me and rubbed up against my leg.

"And you can take this leash off me, please, I'm not going to bolt."

Still weirded out, I undid the leash and Stimpy stretched. "Much better, thank you."

"Right... uh... anyone know... where... we are?" asked Antony, trying to return the conversation to a plane he understood.

"We donno, Antony," said Molly from Saria's arms. "We juss know dat we gonna be interrupted soon."

"How do you know that?" asked Rodney, still wide-eyed.

"Cat instinct," said Stimpy.

"How soon is soon?" asked Amelia.

"We donno. Well, I donno. Mebbe Stimpy know?"

"No, I don't."

"Do you know who?" asked Antony.

"Again, no."

"Sorry, man."

"Well, this is juuuuuuust great; we're stuck in the middle of NOWHERE with a smart-ass cat and _Rodney_," groaned Antony. Rodney shot him his famous Evil Glare and Stimpy hissed.

"Shut up, Antony," I said, "we've got to – ULKH!"

I was grabbed from behind around my neck and the noise was a rather strangled one. Nevertheless, this set everyone off screaming and running in circles, except the cats. Molly was laughing quietly and Stimpy was shaking his head.

"Everyone settle down!" exclaimed a familiar voice, but the death grip on my neck didn't loosen up.

It wasn't until Saria and Rodney crashed into each other and fell flat on the ground on their butts did the four of them calm down. Saria, Amelia and Rodney were staring at whoever was about to strangle me (I couldn't see who, but he was wearing long sleeves and leather), and Antony just stood there looking at them.

"Do you _know_ this guy or something?" he asked.

"LEMME GO!" I was screaming. "GEORGE DUBYA BUSH IS NOT GONNA BE HAPPY WITH YOU! LEMME GO, YOU EMPTY-HEADED, DRESS-WEARING, NOSE-PICKING MOTHER-- oof!"

He had released me and I fell face-first into the dirt. "Owie..."

I turned around to see who the guy was that we were looking at. And I promptly threw up.

It was Aragorn.

"Ew!" yelped Antony, jumping away from me. The vomit comet had almost landed on his feet. I wiped my chin and almost fainted. "Okay, what the hell is going on here?"

I looked my friends over. Saria was looking mildly surprised, Amelia almost scared, Antony dazed and Rodney's eyes were, again, bugging out of his head. Stimpy was almost _bored_, licking his paws idly, and Molly was looking at Saria.

"Look, dude, we don't belong here!" yelled Saria without beating around the bush. "We come from a different WORLD. Could you take us someplace where they can warp us back?"

He just gave her a weird look. "You would do well to come with me," said Aragorn. "It is not safe here in this forest at night."

"Let's see," I put my chin in my hand, "nice pretty trees or scary dirty threatening-small-hobbits guy with a knife?"

"Liana, shut up and walk."

"Touche, Amelia."

"First," said Aragorn, "will you tell me your names?"

"Why? What's your name?" asked Antony.

Aragorn looked a him. "I am Strider."

"Amelia."

"Saria."

"Antony."

"Liana."

"I am Stimpy," said my cat, sticking his head out of my messenger bag. I thought Aragorn would go into cardiac arrest.

"And I be Molly," said the cat from Saria's backpack. Poor ickle Ranger.

Amelia poked Rodney's shoulder. "Tell him your name, Rod. Hello? WAKE UP!"

Rodney was just standing there. I came over to him. "Look, it's not that hard. We simply take one foot and place it in front of the other."

He did so, and walking seemed to get him back to his senses.

I scooped up Stimpy and dumped him unceremoniously in my messenger bag. God, the cat was almost as heavy as I was! He hissed at me. The bag scraped the ground, so I shortened the strap. Saria put Molly in her backpack. And we walked. I tripped over my huge clothes quite a bit.

And somehow, I was stuck next to Antony.

Don't get me wrong. Antony is a great pal. He just TALKS SO MUCH.

"Are you kidding me that we're in _Lord of the Rings_? I HATE _Lord of the Rings_! I mean, how can we be IN the movie? I don't get it! Do you get it, cause I sure don't. I mean-"

"ANTONY! SHUT UP!"

Stimpy spoke from where his head stuck out of my messenger bag. "Yes, Antony, you do talk quite a lot."

"Ugh... talking cats... real movies... the world has gone mad."

"You sound like Roran."

"Pottery."

"Pottery?"

"Pottery."

"Why the hammer, then?"

"How do you think the glaze gets cracked? You have to hit it!"

"WE ROCK, ANTONY!"

"Um... okay then."

"Spoilsport."

We had just recited a part from _Eldest_, by Christopher Paolini. Therefore, we rocked.

"I'm gonna meet Frodo I'm gonna meet Frodo I'm gonna meet Frodo I'm gonna meet Frodo-"

"Hey, Amelia, are you going to meet Frodo, or something?"

"Shut up, Rodney."

"CAN WE TEACH HIM THE COSBY SHOW DANCE?"

"If we must, Saria, but then he watches _Titanic_."

"YES! GOOD GIRL, LIANA!"

"I try."

"I'm confused."

"You're an idiot, Antony."

"Likewise, Rodney."

Poor Aragorn. About to die at the hands of five demon teenagers. Well, not really. But if I were him, I would be very afraid. Since I wanted to know what part of the movie were were in (or book - Aragorn did look like Viggo, but more like a brother than the real thing), I headed over away from Motormouth (a.k.a Antony) and towards Aragorn.

"So, how are ya?"

He looked at me all funny. "My friends and I are not doing so well. One of our number has taken ill, going to the home of the elves with an elf. We have stayed behind so that they may get there safely. You are coming with us, for I believe your friend Saria when she says you are not of this world. Although I was not aware hobbits existed outside the Shire."

"Right. Yeah."

Cool, we had missed Frodo. Poor Amelia. She was going to have a heart attack when she realized he wasn't there.

We came upon the camp quite easily. Tolkein really knew his stuff.

"Merry. Pippin. Sam." Each looked up. Amelia and I squealed happily and I walked up to Merry, poking him squarely in the nose.

"PUSHY NOSE!" I screamed, dancing in circles. Amelia grabbed my hands and we danced. (Inside joke...)

Needless to say, we kinda scared them. They saw Stimpy and Molly as "well-this-is-one-more-weird-event-in-a-chain-of-weird-events" so they weren't as freaked as we had been.

Pippin looked at my sweater, which had only reached a few inches above my knees before Hobbit City and now were down to my friggin' ankles. It was a deep maroon-ish color with leave embroidered on the left side and a zipper at the neck. I love that sweater!

"What's that?" he asked, pointing at the zipper. I grinned importantly.

"THIS, my friend, is a ZIPPER," I said superiorly. I zipped it down, then up, down again for good measure then up another time because it was cold. It was a good thing I wore a belt today, because if I hadn't tightened it, my black jeans would be around my ankles. My black shirt (which had vampire fangs and said BITE ME on it) could have been a dress. A very short dress that I would never wear. I rolled up the cuffs of my jeans until I could walk without tripping. My shoes were useless, but I unlaced them before throwing them. I loved my shoelaces.

"I'm hungry," said Rodney. He had been sitting there trying to get his head around the fact that we WERE, indeed, in Middle Earth.

"Well let's see..." I rummaged through my messenger bag. Stimpy jumped out. "You crushed all the stuff, you're so fat!" Hiss. "Ooh! I have a sandwidge-"

"Liana, it's SAAAND-WIIIIIICH. Not sand-WIDGE._"_

"BACK OFF, FELINE FROM HELL!" I stuck out my tongue at Stimpy. "ANYWAY. I have a sand-WIDGE I was planning on eating at the beach-"

"MINE!" Rodney lunged across the campsite and grabbed the white American and vegetarian baloney on wheat right out of my hand.

"LOSER!" I yelled, trying to get it back, to no avail. He took a giant bite and his face turned dead white.

"EEEEW!" he gagged, spitting out the precious cheese and vegetarian baloney. "Here, take it!" The big orange fudge monkey threw what remained of my lovely sandwidge (YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?) at my head.

"I DON'T WANT IT NOW THAT IT'S GOT RODNEY GOB ALL OVER IT!" I squealed, picking up a piece of bread and balling it up, lobbing it at his face.

"FOOD FIGHT!" yelled Antony.

"THERE'S NOT ENOUGH FOOOOOD!" I wailed. "RODNEY! YOU STOLE MY PRECIOUS SANDWIDGE! ME WANT!"

"Get over it!"

"NEVER!"

"So, Molly, how long have you been able to understand what I say?"

"For years, Saria, but I never been able to till today. It be like the Middle Earth give us the words!"

"Right. Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"WHY?" Saria rolled up her sleeve and showed Molly the long scratches, courtesy of our favorite Jamaican baby.

Molly would have grinned sheepishly if she could have. "Sorry."

"ME WANT YUMMY MEATLESS FOODSTUFFS!"

"ME WANT _EDIBLE _FOODSTUFFS!"

"YEAH WELL WHO TOLD YOU TO EAT MY SANDWIDGE BEFORE YOU KNEW WHAT WAS IN IT?"

"WHO TOLD _YOU _TO PACK CRAP BALONEY?"

"I DON'T EAT MEAT!"

"WELL, NEXT TIME I STEAL YOUR SAND**WICH**, TELL ME IF IT'S GOT IMITATION MEAT!"

"HERE'S AN IDEA! DON'T STEAL ANY MORE SANDWIDGES!"

"**_SHUT UP!_**" yelled everyone except Sam, Merry, Pippin and Aragorn. They were trying to ignore us. Well, actually, Pushy-Nose and Pippin were laughing with a confused look on their faces.

"MYYYYY BALONEY HAS A FIRST NAME! IT'S O-S-C-A-R! MY BALONEY HAS A SECOND NAME, IT'S M-A-Y-E-R! I LOVE TO EAT IT EVERY DAY AND IF YOU ASK ME WHY I'LL SAAAAAAAAY... CAUSE OSCAR MAYER HAS A WAY WITH B-O-LO–G-N-A!"

"Antony, never again."

"Shut up, Rodney."

"Merry, I do believe we're traveling with insanity itself."

"You might just be right, dear Peregrin."

"I WANT MY SANDWIDGE!"


	2. Tripping on Elrond

**Disclaimer: Did I own LOTR last chapter? No. Do I own it now? (Checks) Nope.**

It was morning. I was cold, wet and hungry. Cold because I had no blankets, wet because of the dew and hungry because SOMEONE gobbed all over my sandwidge that he didn't even eat. (Napoleon Dynamite style) GOSH.

"OKAY, THIS SUCKS!" I heard Saria yell. One of my fellow hobbits (ugh) let out this really girly yelp. I had a feeling it was Pippin. "I'M ALL WET AND COLD AND STUFF!"

"SHUDDUP, SARIA!" yelled Amelia. "SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"

"Not anymore," groaned Antony.

"I've been up, heheheheheh," said Rodney, and he laughed in this really demented way. He laughs when he's tired, and it's quite scary.

"No one mind if I take a catnap, man?" asked Molly tiredly. Without waiting for an answer, she walked into Saria's backpack and curled up. Stimpy wasn't present. Hunting for some poor little mouseys, I guessed.

"Come, we must begin our day," said Aragorn. Merry, Pippin and Sam all sat up (Pippin whined a little before doing so) and started getting ready to go. I heard a quiet four-way game of rock-paper-scissors going, and then some low cursing on Antony's part.

"Get up, Liana," he said, tentatively nudging me with a foot.

"No... sleepytime..."'

"Come on, Strider - name? Strider? Yeah, him. He's gonna be mad."

"Iduncare..."

"Liana, just get up!"

"I DON'T WANNA GET UP, YOU STINKY CARPET FACE! NOW KINDLY FUCK OFF BEFORE I DESTROY YOU FROM YOUR FEET, UP!"

Antony took several very large steps away from me. I almost friggin' killed him. Grumbling, I grabbed my messenger bag, which I had been using as a pillow, and looked through it for my brush. CD player... CD case... book... book... forty million pens and pencils... a deck of cards...four candles... a book of matches... empty notebook... English/French/Health binder... lots of other stuff... NO BRUSH!

"Ameliaaaaa," I whined. "Can I use your brush?"

"Sure," she said. I stood up and took a step towards her and fell flat on my face. My cuffs and sleeves had come unrolled during the night. The four teens from hell started laughing again.

"Shut up," I growled. No, I'm not a pretty person in the morning. Sue me. So I rolled up my cuffs and sleeves AGAIN and walked over to Amelia in as dignified a manner as a three-and-a-half-feet-tall girl with a sweater to her ankles can pull off.

I brushed my hair and threw the brush at Amelia (Yeah, I missed, but it hit Antony, so it was all good). Then I started whining.

"I'M HUNGRYYYYY BECAUSE I CAN'T HAVE MY SANDWIDGE BECAUSE **SOMEBODY** GOBBED ALL OVER IT... WHEN DO WE EAT?"

"Liana, please calm yourself," said Aragorn... or, as we were supposed to call him, Strider. "We will eat when-"

"I WANNA EAT NOOOWWWW!"

"I ask that you calm down, Liana," said Stridermanpersonthing, "as we near Rivendell. in fact, we should be there by midday at most."

"WOOHOO!" I yelled, totally ignoring the weird stares I was getting. I tried to hug everyone, but I could only hug the elves (heh, Rodney and Amelia were ELVES...) and humans around their legs and my fellow hobbits normally. "SAMMY! WE'RE GOING TO RIVENDELLLLL!"

I started doing the Cotton-Eye Joe, and Saria and Amelia immediately joined in. We got six weird glances. Well, feh.

"...AND LEFT ONLY MEN CAUSE OF COTTON-EYE JOE! YEE-HAW!"

And of course, my cuffs unrolled and I tripped.

"DAMN! Striderman, can we - HEY, COOL! I'm'a call you Pete from now on."

Aragorn raised an eyebrow. "Pete?"

"Cause I just called you Striderman, which sounds like SPIDERMAN, and Spidey's real name is Peter. Hence, you are now PETE."

He shook his head.

"Anyways, Pete, can I get some clothes that FIT me when we get to Rivendell?

"I'm quite sure."

"Yay! No more - OOF - tripping..."

I had tripped. My four evil classmate people started laughing again.

"SCREW YOU GUYS!"

We finally got going after I dug through another pocket of my messenger bag and found ANOTHER SANDWIDGE! Actually, I dipped my hand in and found another yummy sandwidge. I didn't want to see what other foodstuffs I had. It would trigger a "MUST EAT NOW" craving. I ate the yummyness of the cheese-and-lettuce (WONDERFUL JUICY LETTUCENES) on wheat bread and hissed at anyone who came close to me while eating. Oh yeah, and Stimpy came back too. But that was besides the point.

"Come, fellow daughters of Bill Cosby or Magic Johnson!" said Saria, linking arms with me and Amelia.

"AND OHHHHHHH, THE PLACEs YOU'LL GOOOOOOOOOO! I GOT BRAINS IN MY HEAD AND FEET IN MY SHOES, SO STEER YOURSELF ANY DIRECTION YOU CHOOSE, AND OHHHH - AAAH!" I un-linked my arms and collapsed on the ground.

"What's your problem?" asked Amelia.

"I DON'T _HAVE_ SHOES!"I "sobbed." Everyone rolled their eyes.

"All right, stop feeling sorry for yourself," said Rodney. I popped up good as new.

"Meany sandwidge gobber," I muttered.

Saria started singing My Heart Will Go on from _Titanic_ (AMAZINGFULNESS), and when she was done, hummed the music from the steerage party and grabbed Sam, dancing with him. Poor Sammy.

Then, she said, "You're still my best girl, Cora," and we kept right on walking.

Nothing interesting AT ALL happened on the way to Rivendell, except that behind me, Molly made a really odd comment that I didn't even hear and Antony almost passed out from laughing too much. I was pissed that I missed out on the Jamaican humor, but whateeever.

"PRETTY!" I squealed as we came to the gates or whatever they were. "YAY! CRUNCHY CRUNCH!"

I started stomping on all the leaves, because I LOVE the sound the pretty orange leaves make when you crunch them with your feet.

"You're never _this_ insane at lunch," mentioned Antony.

"It is a gift, Perpetual Speech Man."

Saria, Amelia and myself grabbed hands and chain danced into Rivendell. What a first impression, eh?

"Ladies, come," said Pete (FINE, ARAGORN) as he walked right ahead of us. Because I was dancing, my cuffs unrolled a bit, but I didn't notice. Yet.

"Where are we going, Mommy?" asked Amelia babyishly.

"Do not call me 'Mommy,'" growled Aragorn.

"Yeah, call him his real name - Pete!"

"HOW could I have forgotten?"

"So, Petey, where are we going?"

Aragorn sighed. "To see Elrond, so that you may get food, housing and proper clothing."

"Excuse me?" demanded Saria. "Proper clothing?"

"Lady Saria, you three are wearing men's britches and in such strange-"

"I HAPPEN TO LIKE THESE PANTS!"

Aragorn nearly shrank away from her.

"AND YOU CAN JUST TELL GHANDI TO LEND ME HIS RAIN COAT OR SOMETHING, BECAUSE I'M NOT GETTING RID OF THEM! THESE COST ME FIFTY BUCKS PLUS TAX AT HOT TOPIC! HOT TOPIC, DO YOU HEAR ME?"

"My Lady-"

"AND QUIT CALLING ME THAT! I'M SARIA, YOU NOT-FAN-OF-_TITANIC_!"

"Saria, calm yourself!"

"Fine."

I was doubled up in laughter by this time, as were Molly, Amelia, Rodney and Antony. Stimpy was just kind of looking disgusted.

"We get to see the Amazing Eyebrow Man!" I exclaimed, jumping up and down. "Weehee!"

"And Liana, guess who else we get to meet?"

"Who?"

"LEGOLAS!"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" I squealed, jumping up and down. Again. "THE LICKABLE BLOND ELF SEX GOD HOTNESS HIMSELF!"

"Remember, no going all Mary Sue on us," cautioned Amelia. Heh, Rodney and Antony were looking scared.

I deflated. "Yes, Mommy."

Well, we were at some big building castle thingybobber, (like an elf hotel or something... I don't know! It was the place where Frodo wakes up with funky lighting and goes all cliche on Gandalf, called the House of Elrond or whatever. Lindsay doesn't care) when it happened.

"Lord Elrond," said Aragorn formally, "three of these four hobbits-"

"HUMPH," I humphed.

"-are kith and kin of Frodo. The others..."

"We're from Long Island, New York!" said Saria importantly. "And these are Stimpy the fat circus cat and Molly the Jamaican baby girl!"

"Yo man."

"Greetings."

Introductions. Yawn. Soon, we all knew each other's names and blah blah blah...

And then I tripped onto Elrond's feet.

Yep.

ELROND.

I almost died. Especially when everyone (even Sourpuss Stimpy, Supreme Eyebrow Man and Mr. Serious Ranger) burst out laughing. My face burned.

"Come, young travelers, we shall get you some clothes," said Elrond. "Enelya! Telperien! Merenwen!"

Three elf maids appeared.

"Take the three young ladies to get into some proper clothes, and have a manservant see to the young men."

"Four," said Molly.

"Pardon?"

"Four young ladies." Saria indicated Molly's head, which was sticking out of her backpack.

"And me," said Stimpy from my messenger bag.

"Right. My apologies, young...cats..."

So the three - (gets clawed by Molly and Stimpy) FIVE - of us were towed down a few twisting halls by Enelya, Telperien and Merenwen. Enelya steered Stimpy and I into one room, Telperien pulled Amelia into the one on the right of mine, and Merenwen sheparded Saria and Molly into the one on the left of mine.

"Wow."

The room was gorgeous! The furniture was all silver and pretty. A bit too sunny for my taste, but it was still beautiful.

"My Lady, if I may recommend a dress?" Enelya went over to the intricate silvery wardrobe type thing and opened it. My jaw hit the floor. MILLIONS OF DRESSES.

"Ooooooooh..." I was practically drooling. Some of them were downright hideous, but some of them were GORGEOUS. And I usually hate dresses.

"Now might I recommend - this color will really set off your complexion, my Lady." Enelya pulled a pale pink dress out of the wardrobe.

"UGH!" I shuddered. "Um, no thanks. I don't really like pink."

"Oh." Enelya looked somewhat crestfallen and I felt bad, but not bad enough to wear the dress. Ugh. I chose a silver dress with (thankfully) a black skirt to it, these really cool silver slippers and a silver chain necklace thingy with black stones, but for my hair.

Then, Enelya gave Stimpy this ubercool collar-type-thingy that was black with pearls. It was really pretty.

Of course, they were about forty gazillion sizes too big for my new hobbity self, so Enelya had to hem it and I had to listen to her griping about how much better I would've looked in pink. She was lucky I wasn't (ahem) menstruating or she would've been DEAD. So when we were finally finished, Stimpy jumped out of my messenger bag and followed me out of the door. Molly and Saria were just emerging.

Saria had a wine-colored dress with black sleeves, black slippers, and her hair in a billion tiny braids, with this cool ruby headband thing right above her eyebrows. The band itself was black, and it dipped sharply between her eyebrows, creating a V. In the center of that V there was a ruby. And Molly had this teeny white tiara and a necklace of pearls.

Amelia came out of her room a few minutes later, wearing this pretty green dress and green slippers. Her hair was still hanging free, with one braid on either side of her face. There were silver strings with tiny emeralds woven into the braids.

We headed down to the courtyard (actually to whatever random place we could find - it just turned out to be the courtyard) and watched the pretty waterfall. Luck had it that Antony and Rodney bumped into us.

And we burst out laughing.

Rodney had this moss-green tunic that went down to a few inches above his knees, a black belt making it look like a minidress, and brown leggings with those nifty elfy boots I always loved on Legolas. Except that Rodney couldn't pull them off the way Legolas could. Drool... Ahem, and Antony was dressed the same, except that his tunic was brown. He couldn't pull off the boots any better than Rodney could.

"YOU GUYS LOOK SOOOOOO STUUUUUPIIIIIIIIID!" I cackled. Both of them scowled.

"You look like you're going to some fancy shrimp-and-cocktail party," snapped Antony.

"WE LOOK FIRST CLASS WORTHY!" shrieked Saria. "Come on, Ruth, first class seats are right up here. WOMEN AND CHILDREN ONLY! AND LOWER AWAY, LEFT AND RIGHT TOGETHER! FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN, THERE ARE WOMEN AND CHILDREN DOWN HERE! LET US UP SO WE CAN HAVE A CHANCE!"

"Uuugh, Saria, I feel like I know da whole movie of _Titanic_ by heart cuzza SOMEONE always watchin' it!" sighed Molly. "Every time I go in da room I hear 'I'm flying! Jack!'"

"MOLLY QUOTED _TITANIC_!" raved Saria, hugging the life out of the poor kitty.

"GIMME A BREAK!"

Amelia and I were laughing, and the three guys (Rodney, Antony, and Stimpy) were just giving us Looks. Amelia, Saria, and I started singing "My Heart Will Go On" as sung by Celine Dion (WHO SUCKS) and Molly groaned.

Once we were done, the five of us and our lovely kitty cats sought out something to do. Not that we found anything.

So during the time the Wimp Queen (Frodo, you fool!) was asleep, it was tres boring in the House of Elrond. We taught Merry and Pippin how to play Bullshit (the card game) and damn it, Merry was good. He beat us EVERY EFFIN' TIME!

"DAMN IT, MERRY, WHY CAN'T I TELL IF YOU'RE B.S.ING?" I demanded of him on October the 24th (yes, it was 9:30, Wimpy Man should be awake in a half hour). He, Saria, Amelia, myself, Pippin, Rodney, Antony AND Molly and Stimpy were playing. Sam was running errands for Gandalf, or something.

"It's a gift," Merry replied, grinning.

"TEACH ME."

"No."

"WHYYYYYYY?"

"Cuz I don't feel like it."

Drool. The hottest hobbit around.

When the game was over, everyone owed Merry either money or food, and we had one happy hobbit on our hands, one mildly disappointed one and one livid one whose (ahem) cycle was no doubt approaching.

"YEAH, WELL I DON'T LIKE THIS GAME ANYWAY! SCREW YOU PEOPLE!"

I stomped away. I was wearing the capris I had slept in (except now they were pants) and my Phantom of the Opera shirt (for some reason, I had like a million pairs of spare clothes in my messenger bag) only it was down to my friggin' ankles.

"Lady Liana, you must put some clothes on!" shrieked Enelya when I ran into her.

"YEAH, YOU THINK I'D RATHER WEAR YOUR PRISSY ELF CRAP WHEN I CAN WEAR PHANTOM OF THE OPERA? NO THANKS, SISTER!"

All in all, I wasn't making many friends that day.

"LIANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" screeched Amelia after about forty-five minutes. She flung open the door to my quarters place. "GET YOUR BUTT OUT HERE, NOW! FRODO'S AWAKE!"

"GOOD FOR FRODO!" I yelled. "I DON'T CARE!"

"YES YOU DO!"

**Amelia POV**

OH, GODDDDDDDD! FRODO WAS AWAKE!

And of course, the demon hobbit was PMS-ing quite badly. So what did I do?

What any self respecting elf would do.

I grabbed her arm and yanked her out of her room.

" I DON'T WANNA GO! DAMN IT, AMELIA, THAT'S ATTACHED, YOU KNOW! I ONLY HAVE TWO OF THOSE! I DON'T WANNA SEE THE WIMP QUEEN! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! FIEND FROM HELL! GOD ALMIGHTY! SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

**Liana POV again**

Ow, ow, OW! The PAIN!

"SARIAAAAAAAAA!" I screamed as the Elf From Hell dragged me towards the Wimp Queen's room. "DON'T LET HER GET ME! I DON'T WANNA GO!"

Saria, Molly, Stimpy, Rodney and Antony were bent over, laughing. Well, the cats couldn't bend, but you know.

"YOU FIENDS!" I scream as I was abducted down the hall. "YOU FIENDISH FIENDS! I DON'T WANNA GO!"

But, of course, I had very little say in the matter.

**NOTES: Hey guys, I only have a few minutes to do this, but I figured I wanted to get it up so I could have a few lovely reviews when I come home from school. Do review, or no updates for you!**


	3. Nine, no, SIXTEEN companions

**Disclaimer: Oh, I wish that I owned Lord of the Rings! That is what I'd truly like to be! For if I owned Lord of the Rings... everyone would be in love with me! But, I don't...so they're not. Nor do I own the Oscar Mayer Weiner song, from which this disclaimer was lovingly ripped off. I don't own Whose Line is it Anyway EITHER. Yeash. And no, Liana hates Frodo because he's melodramatic and ordering-people-around-y. Don't flame be because of this, at the end of the trilogy, I'll make it up to you Frodo fans! And I kind of think Amelia's burning crush on Frodo balances out Liana's hate for him, no?**

Elf from hell. Elf. From. HELL. Sadistic friggin' LUNATIC!

So I was standing there in the doorway of my doom, having been mercilessly abducted from the confines of my own bedroom and dragged, kicking and screaming, to the fiery eternity of–

Oh, who am I kidding? Amelia was forcing me to see Frodo.

"Err, hello," I said uncomfortably. To be honest, I was more excited about seeing Gandalf, who is cool.

"Frodo, this is the girl we were talking about," said Merry, who for some reason was in the room, along with Pippin. They hadn't been here in the movie... or the book, now that I thought about it. I shot a questioning look at my friends, and Saria answered it.

"He and Pippin heard Amelia screaming 'FRODO IS AWAKE' and followed us," she said, shrugging.

"...and they're all kind of insane, but they're nice... I think."

"Fear not, Oh Pointy-Eared Short One!" exclaimed Saria.

"A-HEM."

"Sorry, Liana. Oh Pointy-Eared MALE Short One!"

"Ugh..."

"For we are the nicest of the nice!"

"On ice!" chimed in Rodney. Heh, people were staring at us.

"Named Bryce!" I added.

"With dice!" put in Amelia.

"Who say things thrice!" finished Antony. Okay, now people were REALLY staring, including Stimpy. Molly was just laughing. Heh, this was fun.

Merry was shaking his head. "I told you they were insane."

To prove his point (again) I did my famous Nutcase Giggle. Merry actually edged away from me this time.

"Okay, yeah, we're kind of insane," said Amelia brightly. "But we're awesome."

"Hell yeah!" I agreed.

"I beg to differ," mumbled Stimpy.

Frodo was freaked out, and I decided more for my sake than his not to make fun of him yet. If I did, Amelia would surely murder me. Using some form of painful torture, I was certain. So I kept my mouth shut.

So when poor wittwe Fwodo could finawwy get his wittwe self out of bed, he was reunited with Bilbo and saw the book and blah blah blah, I didn't care. But what was cool was when the council started. By that time, my PMS was gone. And for some reason, Elrond had Saria, Amelia, Stimpy, Molly, Rodney, Antony and myself attend. I even tied a pretty black and gray bandana around Stimpy's neck for the occasion. He looked so cute!

Antony was the only one who was REALLY paying attention out of the five - (gets clawed by the cats) SEVEN - of us, since the rest of us knew what was going to happen. I was staring at Legolas, scaring everybody, I was sure.. Saria was sitting with Molly on her lap, and Stimpy on mine.

"Bring forth the Ring, Frodo," said Elrond. I tapped Amelia and mimed retching onto Stimpy. She stuck out her tongue.

"The doom of man," said Gimli and Rodney at the same time. I broke into hysterical giggles at the Look Gimli gave him, then at the goofy "Who, me?" face Rodney retorted with.

"Oh no, here we go," muttered Saria as I buried my face in my hands, trying to stop giggling to no avail. "It's like chorus class all over again."

One time we had been in chorus, and I had puffed her hair from the back. Our friend Nicole is famous for doing that, and she sits behind us, so Saria turned around and **Glared **at her. Of course, being the idiot I am, that was funny, and I spent the rest of class giggling insanely. The memory only made me giggled harder.

By now, everyone was staring at me. Stimpy shook his head and leapt off my lap, settling on Amelia's, and by now I was past the point where I could stop laughing for my life.

"I'm sorry," I said around hysterical laughter. "Stupid things make me laugh! I'm trying to stop."

Amelia got fed up and took the bandana off Stimpy's neck and shoved it in my mouth. At LONG LAST, I was able to stop laughing. I pulled it out.

"Thanks. I needed that." Everyone was staring. "Heh... heh... oh jeez..."

Elrond gave me this funny look. "Let us continue with the council."

Boromir had this hungry glint in his eyes that had NOT been there in the movie as he looked at the Ring. By now I had concluded we were going by the movie.

"It is a gift! A gift to the foes of Mordor! Why not use this ring?"

"Get a clue," muttered Amelia.

"Long has my father, the Steward of Gondor, kept evil at bay. By the blood of our people are your lands kept safe! Give Gondor the weapon of the enemy...let us use it against him!" He pointed around at us and I lay back in my chair, giving him my famous You Are An IDIOT Glare.

"You cannot wield it!" said Aragorn. "None of us can. The Ring--"

"The stupid thing only listens to Sauron, dude," I couldn't keep from saying.

"She is right," agreed Aragorn. Then he got this dumbfounded look. "She... is?"

I grinned sweetly. The grin turned sour as Boromir started talking again. God, he was annoying.

"And what do a Ranger and a hobbit girl know of these matters?" he sneered at us. I definitely did NOT like him.

"This is no mere Ranger," said Legolas, standing up. OH, GODDDDDDDD! I let out a tiny squeak. "He is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. You owe him your allegiance. I do not know how this hobbit lass knows of it..."

"I...er..." I didn't know what to say. But what I DID know was that a certain elf was going to be bothered to no end until the Fellowship left. Then we'd say goodbye.

"I told her of it," said Aragorn.

"Yeah, what he said!"

"Aragorn?" said Boromir quietly. "This is Isildur's heir?"

"And heir to the throne of Gondor," said Amelia and Legolas at the same time. Legolas gave her a weird look.

"Havo dad, Legolas," said Aragorn.

"OOOOOOOOH!" I said. "LEGO'S IN TROUBLE! LEGO'S IN TROUBLE!"

"Liana, shut up!" said Antony. "This is important."

I stuck out my tongue at him. Boromir looked at us.

"Gondor needs no king," he said.

"Dude, have you been living under a ROCK for the past - MMMMFT!" Amelia shoved Stimpy's neckerchief back in my mouth. I pulled it out, glaring at her.

"Aragorn is right...we cannot use it." Hey, Gandalf DOES have a voice.

"You have only one choice," said Elrond. "The ring must be destroyed."

"Caught on, have you?" I muttered so only Antony could hear me, and he waved a hand at me to be quiet.

"Then what are we waiting for?" said Gimli. Ooh, axe is gonna break soon. "AAAAAAARGH!"

CLANG!

Antony visibly flinched as Gimli fell backwards. I looked at Amelia, intending to point this out to Amelia, but she was looking at Frodo, who was slumped in his chair, clutching his forehead.

"Aww, does wittwe Fwodo have a migwaine?" I said to Antony, because I did NOT want people to hate me. And if I poked cruel fun at Frodo, people would hate me.

"Is he okay?" asked Antony.

"Yeah, he's fine. He's just being mentally assaulted by the most powerful bad dude in Middle Earth. No, DON'T stand up. He'll be fine."

Idiot.

"The ring cannot be destroyed, Gimli, son of Gloin," said Elrond, looking grim, "by any craft that we here possess. The ring was made in the fires of Mount Doom... only there can it be unmade. It must be taken deep into Mordor, and cast back into the fiery chasm from whence it came."

"Hey, 'chasm' is a cool word..."

"Shut up, Liana."

"...One of you must do this."

Antony smothered a gasp and I almost started giggling again.

Then, Bigmouth of Gondor started up again. " One does not simply walk into Mordor. Its black gates are guarded by more than just orcs. There is evil there that does not sleep and the Great Eye is ever watchful. It is a barren wasteland, riddled with fire and ash and dust...the very air you breathe is a poisonous fume. Not with ten thousand men could you do this. It is folly!"

I thought Antony was going to faint.

"Have you heard nothing Lord Elrond just said?" demanded Legolas. "The Ring must be destroyed!"

"Yeah, what he said!" I agreed.

"And I suppose you think you're the one to do it!" snapped Gimli at Legolas, ignoring me.

"And if we fail, what then? What happens when Sauron takes back what is his?"

"You just contradicted yourself, dumb ass!"

"Liana, shut up!"

"I will be dead before I see the Ring in the hands of an elf!"

"Talk about RACIST," said Rodney, standing up angrily.

People started arguing. Loudly.

"Never trust an elf!"

"I resent that!" snapped Amelia.

"Yeah, midget, you're only in RIVENDELL! Why not insult the entire Elvish race while you're at it!" added Rodney.

"Hello? Unusually short hobbit right next to you! What does that make me?"

"Too bad Bill Cosby isn't here! He'd know what to do!" said Saria.

"Do you not understand?" roared Gandalf. "While we bicker among ourselves, Sauron's power grows! No one will escape it! You will all be destroyed, your homes burnt and your families put to the sword!"

"Way to make everyone want to LIVE, Gandalf!"

"Liana, shut UP!"

"Make me!"

"I will take it!" said Frodo, except no one heard him. "I will take it!" People quieted down. "I will take the Ring to Mordor... Though... I do not know the way."

"Don't say anything, Liana."

"Aww man!"

"I will help you bear this burden, Frodo Baggins, so long as it is yours to bear," said Gandalf. Aragorn was up next.

"If, by my life or death, I can protect you, I will. You have my sword."

"And you have my bow."

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

"And my axe."

Boromir started his little bit. "You carry the fate of us all, little one."

"HREH-EEERRMMMM!" I cleared my throat loudly.

Everyone ignored me. Hello? Dude, Frodo was like, six inches taller than me!

"If this is indeed the will of the Council, then Gondor will see it done."

"Good for Gondor," muttered Saria.

"HERE!" yelled Sam, scaring the bejesus out of Elrond and Antony. He ran over to us. Heheheh, fat hobbit... okay shut up. "Mr. Frodo's not gong anywhere without me!" Sorry, Sam, Frodo belongs to Amelia.

"No, indeed," said Elrond with something like a smile. "It is hardly possible to separate you two, even when he is summoned to a secret council and you are not."

"Oi! We're coming too!" Merry and Pippin ran out from behind another bush.

"Yay! The council's not boring anymore!"

"Shut up, Liana!"

"You'll have to send us home tied up in a sack to stop us!" continued Merry.

"Anyway," said Pippin, "you'll need people on intelligence on this sort of mission... quest... thing."

Merry looked at him. "Well, that rules you out, Pip."

"Bye, Liana!"

"Shut up, Stimpy, we're not even going!"

"Actually," said Elrond, "the seven of you youngsters will also accompany the Fellowship of the Ring to Mordor."

"SAY WHAT?" screamed Saria, Amelia, Rodney, Molly, Stimpy and myself.

"I don't get it - is that bad?"

"Antony, don't say anything."

"WHY?" I asked Elrond.

"Because, young Liana, you must be along to make sure nothing happens." He gave me a knowing sorta-smile.

Holy blackberries! He knew that he was in a movie! And that the fact we were here could screw everything up, so we had to make sure the Fellowship did what it was supposed to do.

I shot a Look around at Amelia, Saria, Molly, Rodney and Stimpy, all of whom nodded in return, and made a mental note to explain this all to Antony.

"So, sixteen companions... so be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring!"

"Great!" said Pippin. "Where are we going?"

This had been funny in the movie, but it was funnier in person. Take my word for it.

I was packing over the course of the rest of the afternoon, because I had a couple of things strewn about my room. It didn't take long, so I spent the rest of the day goofing around Rivendell with Saria, Amelia, the cats, Rodney and Antony. Merry, Pippin, Sam and Frodo ran into us, so it was five hobbits, two elves, two humans and two cats running around being idiotic. Well, four of those five hobbits weren't.

"Hi, welcome to _Whose Line is it Anyway_, the show where everything's made up and the points don't matter! That's right, the points are just like shoes to a hobbit1 Today, introducing Liana the hobbit! Watch out for her, she's pissy... Antony the human, shut him up before your ear starts to bleed! Saria the human, she's probably going to win, she's random, and FRODO the hobbit, the Ringbearer and not that bad-looking, either... and I'm Amelia the elf! Okay, our first game is called Scenes From the Minds of Rodney, Merry, Pippin, Sam, Stimpy and Molly!"

"What YOU think goes on between Dominic Monaghan and Evangeline Lilly off the set of _Lost_!" suggested Stimpy, smirking. Well, if he could have smirked.

I grabbed Antony's arm and pulled him with me to the front of the "audience" of elf, cats and hobbits.

"I HATE YOU, DOMINIC!"

"I HATE YOU TOO, EVANGELINE!" he yelled back, catching on faster than I'd actually thought he would. Amelia made a buzzing noise and we walked back. I was laughing and he was raising his eyebrows.

"What would happen if Jack had been firs' class!" yelled Molly.

Saria came on this time. "No, you're a mindless drone like the rest of them! Go away, you're distracting me!" She fell forwards. I laughed.

"This is boring," I said after about four hours of this. "And anyway, it's time for bed. Liana's tired."

We all said goodnight, and headed back to our respective rooms. I changed into my red plaid pajama pants and my black cami. I made the cami's straps shorter, so it stayed on, and rolled up the cuffs of my pants and tied the drawstrings tightly around my waist, finally rolling down the waistband until it looked normal. I climbed into bed and Stimpy curled up on my pillow, letting me scratch behind his ears. Aww, see? He DOES love me!

"Lady Liana? I seek permission to enter. Are you decent?"

It was Legolas.

"Yeah, sure, come in," I said, kind of bewildered. Why did Legolas want to come in my room? I mean, sure he was hot, but a wee bit older than me.

He entered and took one look at me, and turned around.

"My lady, you said you were decent!"

"I'm not THAT ugly! Oh, you mean the cami? Damn elves... give me a minute."

Sighing, I pulled on the jacket that went with the pants, of the same red plaid pattern, and buttoned it.

"Okay, you can look now."

He turned back around, and I noticed he was holding a mini sword in its sheath, complete with a belt. The belt was white, and intertwined with the different strands, with several rubies imbedded in there. The sheath of the sword was white as well, along with the hilt, which had a very big ruby on the pommel.

"This is for you," he said. "Its name is Bloodsnow."

I gaped.

"PRETTY!" I squealed. "THANK YOU!"

He chuckled. "Do not thank me - it is from Lord Elrond."

"I'll thank him tomorrow - YAY! SWORD!"

As soon as he left, I took off the jacket of my pajamas and lay back down.

"Stimpy?" I asked sleepily.

"What?"

"Was I a bitch at the council?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Just checking."


	4. White Rocks and Crebain and Snow, Oh My!

**Disclaimer: People, this is the fourth chapter. I should hope you know I don't own LOTR by now. I don't own _The Two Princesses of Bamarre, _or any songs Liana might sing either. Okay, guys, I know I didn't tell you this in any of the chapters before this, but thou shalt not get an update unless thou revieweth. This authoress shalt get five reviews before she updateth. **

We left the next day. A quiet little ceremony where Elrond told us to go well and have blessings and junk, and then we left. That pony was really looking inviting, but poor Bill was a pack animal, so I couldn't ride him. Feh. Evilness.

I started humming the Lord of the Rings theme (you know, the running-after-the orcs-trying-to-save-Merry-and-Pippin music? Yeah, that) very loudly.

"Dun DUNNNNNNNNN DUNNN DUN DUN DUNNNNNNN! DUN DUN **DUN** DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUNNNN DUN DUN-"

"Liana," began Legolas, "will you please be-"

"AS LOUD AS I POSSIBLE CAAAAAAAAAN? OKAY! IIIIIII'M A LUMBER JACK AND I'M OKAY! I SLEEP ALL NIGHT AND I WORK ALL DAY! I CHOP DOWN TREES AND WEAR HIGH HEELS-"

"Liana, shut up!" snapped Antony.

But I was in one of my more annoying moods.

"A DREAM IS A WISH YOUR HEART MAKES! WHEN YOU'RE FAST ASLEEP! A DREAM YOU WILL LOSE YOUR HEARTACHE! WHATEVER YOU-"

"LIANA!"

So we finally (yeah, after about a friggin' WEEK) made it to the cool white boulder thingies, and a bunch of us were practicing swordsmanship. Actually, Rodney and Amelia were learning how to shoot bows, while Antony, Saria, Merry, Pippin and I learned how to stab stuff with swords. Stimpy and Molly were hanging around Sam, eager for sausages and Gimli was pestering Gandalf.

"Very good, Liana," said Aragorn. "Just remember to keep hold of yourself and don't panic and start jabbing at everything in sight. You'll be easily overtaken that way."

I grinned sweetly at Antony, who wasn't doing very well, and he flipped me off in response. Saria, on the other hand, was amazing at this. Boromir was astounded.

"Are you _sure_ you've never fenced before, young Saria?"

"Yeah."

"Now, Pippin, you need to move your feet," said Aragorn. "Get away from the blade. I want you to _react_, not think."

"Shouldn't be that hard for you," quipped Merry, earning a clock on the head from our favorite Fool of a Took.

"Merry," continued Aragorn, "you're doing fine. Antony...maybe we'd better consider giving you something else to fight with."

"HAHA! ANTONY SUCKS!"

"Liana," said Saria, "he really has to get good before...Mop-o-rop-i-a." Which means Moria in op-talk.

"Yeah, you're right... but Mop-o-rop-i-a isn't until after Cop-a-rop-a-dop-hop-rop-a-sop." (Caradhras).

We continued training. I was sparring with Merry and Saria with Pippin, while Antony worked on stances with Boromir.

"HAHA!" I laughed as I parried a blow. "This is fun! Liana, the laughter!"

"What?" asked Merry, bewildered.

"It's from this book, called _The Two Princesses of Bamarre..._ the poem went like this:

_Drualt, the laughter_,

_Laughed at the sun_

_On his shield,_

_The moon in his silver sword,_

_The drum in his heart._

_Laughed at his someday death_

_Glimpsed from afar._

_Drualt, the laughter,_

_Laughed at laughing._

Basically," I said, "it means that the guy laughed a lot after he vanquished a foe. Heh, vanquish... funny word..."

Merry looked interested. He asked me a bunch of questions about the book, which is excellent.

"...and then it turns out the specter's prediction was true, but you have to read the book to find out," I finished. "I think I have it - I'll lend it to you for when we have a few minutes."

I twirled around and clocked him in the leg with the blunt side of Bloodsnow.

"Gotcha!"

He scowled and swung furiously at me.

"So, Brandybuck, how 'bout we make this a bit more interesting, hmm?"

"What did you have in mind, Liana?"

"Whoever 'kills' their opponent first gets to dare the loser to do something... and the loser HAS to do the dare."

"So be it!"

We shook on it and I grinned evilly, preparing to win.

I struck first, pointing the flat of Bloodsnow at his shoulder. He blocked me and soon we were going at it. I somehow managed to get Bloodsnow under his chin, and we stood there panting for a moment.

"Okay," said Merry. "You win."

I laughed rather insanely. "I dare you..." I whispered the dare in his ear. When I was done, he looked appalled.

"I can't do that!"

"Too bad, Mermaid, ya lost. Go do it."

Looking like he wanted to die, Merry walked over to where Molly and Stimpy were hanging around Sam, shamelessly begging for sausages. He picked Stimpy up, kissed him on the mouth and ran back to where I was bent over in laughter.

"I hate you," he muttered.

"Hey," I said, wiping a tear from my eye, "at least I didn't make you kiss Gandalf!"

His eyes bugged right out and I laughed harder.

So it turned out, somehow, that Antony was better with two knives than with one sword. He twirled them around his head and parried. I was about to call him a showoff, but then he tripped.

"HAHAHAHAH! NOT SO GREAT NOW, EH?" I started hysterically laughing. Suddenly, I saw the evil bird things... well, I couldn't see the individual birds, but I knew that that one cloud was them. And I also realized Legolas was teaching Rodney and Amelia how to shoot bows when he SHOULD be telling us about the birds. "LEEEEEGGY!" I screeched, running the entire three feet over to them. Rodney jumped about six feet off the ground (no seriously, since he was an ELF, ha) and accidentally shot an arrow about four inches above my head. "ACK! GOD DAMN IT, FISH, YOU COULD'VE KILLED ME!"

"Sorry," he said, but he was grinning evilly. Ugh. Evil Fish. (Fish is Rodney's nickname.)

"Anywhoosies... erm, LEGO! LOOK AT THE CLOUD! IT'S MOVING AGAINST THE WIND!" I pointed excitedly, like a little kid, at the birds.

"Oh, shit..." I heard someone mutter.

"CREBAIN FROM DUNLAND!"

"HIDE!" yelled Aragorn.

"Merry! Pippin! Liana! Take cover!"

The three of us grabbed our swords and dove under a bush. Amelia hid under this little alcove in a rock, Rodney, Legolas and Boromir managed to bury themselves amongst the rocks, and people found various other places to hide. The birds were about nine and a half times CREEPIER in person, so forgive me for being scared shitless as they flapped and squawked over us.

Once the creepy rabid birds had left, we all got up.

"Yeah, Pip, I didn't want the birds to hear me complaining, but the pommel of your sword was practically up my ass," I muttered. He grinned sheepishly.

"Sorry."

"Spies of Saruman," said Gandalf worriedly. "The passage South is being watched."

"No friggin' shit," I heard someone mutter.

"We must take the pass of Caradhras!"

I groaned. I didn't like freezing cold weather in large amounts of time. Pippin looked at me questioningly and I pointed to one of the mountains. One of the very tall, snowy mountains. He looked back at me, wide-eyed, and I nodded.

"This is gonna suck."

Whoo, boy, how right I was. Even with my new leathery hobbit feets, walking barefoot in snow was NOT the most pleasant thing I'd ever experienced. I was up at the front of the group with Stimpy in my messenger bag, walking alongside Legolas and Amelia.

"Leggy?" I asked. No answer. "Lego? Legkins? Leggly-Lu? WAKE UP, LEGOLAS!"

He turned to me. "I refuse to answer to any of your silly nicknames."

"Meanie. Anyway, are we there yet?"

"Where?"

"Mordor."

"Liana. Mordor is a barren wasteland with foul air, the stench of volcanic rock and the stifling heat coming from Mount Doom with a great flaming eye at the top of a tall tower and orcs swarming everywhere. Does this look like Mordor to you?"

"Hmm... I dunno. It is brimstone or sulphur or-"

"Quiet!"

"Spoilsport."

"I am not a spoilsport, I am trying to hear..." He craned his neck over to the back of the group, where Boromir had the ring (I was assuming, as I couldn't see from up here). After a moment, he gave it back and scruffed up Frodo's hair. I looked forward and gulped. We were almost at the big mountain with blizzards and scary wizards trying to bring down ten billion tons of snow on us. Whoop-dee-friggin'-doo.

Eventually, we were on that ledge thingy. The snow was up to my neck when I tried to walk, okay? Amelia was carrying Stimpy in my messenger bag to keep him warm, and Saria had Molly wrapped in a cloak. Since I was a hobbit, and all the other people who were carrying hobbits were taken, Legolas was carrying me. Not that I was complaining... oh yeah, and Rodney was walking next to Legolas. The two were hitting it off well.

BUT IT WAS FRIGGIN' COLD!

"Leggy?" I asked. "Is it bad if my body temperature reaches forty degrees?"

"Probably," he said. Then he started talking to me in Elvish. Hhhheeeeehhhhh... (that was a sigh) but he was hot.

By the time we were at "movie point" as I called it, I couldn't feel my feet or hands. I wasn't even thinking about Legolas, just clinging to him because his neck was warm. He paused suddenly.

"There is a fell voice on the air!" he said urgently. And here came a bunch of snow...

"IT'S SARUMAN!" yelled Gandalf.

"Yeah, cause a friggin' AVALANCHE, why don't you?" snapped Antony.

"Shut up," said Amelia.

"HE'S TRYING TO BRING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN!" yelled Aragorn. "GANDALF! WE MUST TURN BACK!"

"SECONDED!" yelled Saria.

"NO!" yelled Gandalf. A lotta yelling, iie? He started yelling in some foreign language. "Losto Caradhras, sedho, hodo, nuitho i ruith!"

"Huh?" I asked through numb lips.

"He tells the mountain to sleep," said Legolas.

So then thunder crashed, lightning flashed, and a HUGE ASS pile of snow fell all over us. Legolas held me with one arm and pulled Gandalf to safety with his other. I was friggin' numb, so I had no way of knowing if he had lost his hold on me.

Legolas popped out first and dug me out, thankfully. I was shivering like hell. Everyone else came up in due time, except–

"WHERE'S MOLLY?" screamed Saria. She, Amelia, Antony and Rodney dug frantically through the snow until they found her. Saria grabbed her out of Rodney's arms and hugged her tightly.

"We must get off the mountain!" yelled Boromir. "Make for the gap of Rohan and take the west road to my city!"

"We can't, Rohan takes us too close to Isenguard!" Aragorn yelled back.

"We cannot stay here!" Boromir insisted. "This will be the death of the hobbits!"

"We cannot pass over the mountain; let us go under it!" said Gimli. "Let us go to the mines of Moria!"

"Let the Ringbearer decide," said Gandalf after a moment. I looked over Legolas's shoulders at everyone. Merry and Pippin were shivering in Boromir's arms, and I noticed Frodo was looking at them too. "Frodo?"

"I'M FREEZING MY ASS OFF, HERE!" screamed Saria. "AND MOLLY'S PROBABLY GOT HYPOTHERMIA!"

Frodo looked at her helplessly, then met Gandalf's eyes. "We will go through the mines."

Gandalf nodded slowly. "So be it."


	5. Cruddy Stuff Only Happens To Liana

**Disclaimer: I have not owned LOTR for, what, four chapters? What MAKES you think I own it now? I don't own anything I might throw in here either.** **As a side note, thanks to ArwenEvanstar83, I now know that I am extremely retarded and that it's Drualt, the LAUGHER, not laughter. Damned phonetic skills... Warning: Liana has an extremely foul mouth. I apologize for the shortness of the chapter. And remember, five reviews! So review if you don't want my army of toasters to - wait. Brianna melted those. I keep forgetting about my NEW army. My army of AIM guys with machine guns! Wait a second... she turned those into candy. (Shakes fist at sky) ONE OF THESE DAYS, BRI...**

"I've endured happier things," I informed Stimpy from where he was in my messenger bag, "than Caradhras."

"I have as well," he said. "I think my tail has frozen off.

Up front, Frodo was talking to Gandalf about the Ring. Blahdy blahdy blahdy blah. We were almost at Moria, when–

"The walls of Moria," breathed Gimli.

"You interrupted the narrative!" I snapped. Gimli's awesome, but he has to learn when to speak and when to wait until the narrator had finished her sentence.

"What?" asked Gimli and Stimpy together.

"Oh, never mind..." Shaking my head angrily, I walked around talking to people as other people tried to find the doors. Stimpy settled on a rock, and Molly curled around Saria's shoulders, asleep. Saria walked up to me and stared me in the eye for about thirty seconds.

"Pastry products."

I looked back at her blankly. Once upon a time, I had laughed at that, but those days were over.

"Damn!" Saria yelled. "No one laughs at that anymore!"

"It's old, Saria." I almost laughed, but then I realized something. "OH GOD! SARIA! I JUST REALIZED THAT THE THREE-DISK SPECIAL EDITION OF _TITANIC_ CAME OUT WHILE WE WERE HERE!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screeched both of us. We collapsed on each other, nearly sobbing.

"Dwarf walls," said Gimli over our wailing, "are invisible when wished so. Carefully hidden, even masters cannot find them, if their secrets are forgotten."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" muttered Legolas to Rodney.

"Itidin," said Gandalf quietly, running his hands over a section of the wall. "It mirrors only starlight and moonlight.

Badabing, here comes the moonlight! The door lit up.

"It reads-" began Gandalf.

"-the doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter." Amelia looked very proud of herself. "TWO POINTS FOR THE CHICKEN!"

"...Chicken?" Legolas dared to ask. Amelia, Saria, Antony, and I burst out laughing, while everyone else just looked uncomfortable.

"You speak Elvish?" Frodo asked her. Amanda started to nod, but I hit her in the knee (as I couldn't reach her head).

"No, she doesn't," I said.

"We just know things," said Saria.

"Except Antony," added Rodney.

"Shut up, Fish."

"What do you think it means?" asked Merry, trying to return normality to the conversation.

"Oh, it's quite simple," said Gandalf. "If you-"

"If you are a friend, you speak the password, and the doors will open," Saria finished for him. He gave her a very piercing glare and put his staff on the door. Grinning, I sat to watch him act retarded.

"_Annon edhellen, edro hi ammen!"_

I started laughing. I couldn't help it. He turned to me, angry. "And _what_, dare I ask, is so funny?"

"YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT!" I sputtered around laughter. Rodney beaned me over the head with his bow. "OW! Hey, thanks... I needed that..."

"It made me feel better too," quipped Rodney, and I scooted away from him.

"Don't even think about it," I cautioned. "Keep that prissy bow to yourself."

"_Prissy_?" demanded Rodney. "You're the one with a white sword!"

"Yeah, and it kicks more ass than your brittle little twig there."

BONG!

"Ow!"

"Twig, huh?"

_BONG!_

"OW!"

Rodney rolled onto his side, clutching his head dramatically. I laughed maniacally, sheathing Bloodsnow. Hitting people with the flat of my sword was fun! But Rodney recovered very, very quickly and started cracking me repeatedly with the bow.

"OW! SHIT! QUIT THAT, _FISH!_ OW OW OW! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! YOU FORGET WHO HAS A SWORD HERE! STOP HITTING ME SO I CAN GET IT OUT OF THE SHEATH!"

Ugh. Finally, I managed to get behind him and shove him forwards between the shoulder blades, causing him to whiplash a bit (he hates that) and I walked away, intending to bug someone else.

"_Fennas nogrothrim, lasto beth lammen!"_

"Yeah, Gandalf? That's not working." Gandalf pointed his staff threateningly at me and I clammed up. Merry and Pippin started throwing rocks into the water. Shit...

"Liana, I'm testing you," said Saria suddenly. "Richest."

"That's John Jacob Astor," I said, pointing to Rodney and completely forgetting about the rocks, "the richest man on the ship. His little wifey there, Madeline," (here I pointed to Antony; both looked livid) "is my age and in delicate condition. See how she's trying to hide it? _Quite_ the scandal. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

I had just recited a part from _Titanic_, but the scream wasn't part of it. That was because Rodney and Antony, brandishing their respective weapons, were chasing after me. I ran past Merry and Pippin, who were throwing rocks into the pond thingy, and then over to Legolas, who was examining the walls with something close to distaste. Pathetically (yes, I am pathetic), I threw myself at him.

"LEGGYYYYYYY!" I screeched, hiding behind him. "THEY'RE TRYING TO HURT MEEEE!"

"Are they?" he asked, looking uninterested. "What did she do?"

"Something that made us angry," growled Rodney. Legolas looked at me, then back at them.

"Fair enough. Here, take her."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"It's a riddle!" Frodo said, shouting to be heard over the noise I was making. "Speak 'friend' and enter... what's the Elvish word for friend?"

"MELLON! DON'T KILL ME!" I screamed, hiding behind Amelia this time. The doors opened.

"Quit it, guys, we have to go see a bunch of _dwarves,_" she stressed the word subtly enough that Rodney got it.

"Oh, right."

Antony would have a heart attack. Muahahahahahahahaha. No, actually that would be mean if I didn't tell him.

"Antony, if I warn you about this next part, promise not to kill me?"

"Sure, whatever..."

"That cavern placeybob is full of dead things."

"So why are we going in it?" Hah, his face was pale.

"Because the canon peoples don't know it's full of dead things."

"Oh."

"Yep." I paused. "Did you hear that?" A little swish of water... oh JESUS! I scurried up right behind my fellow hobbity ones, Antony a bit ahead of me. Everyone else was in front of the hobbit-types.

Gimli started rambling about dwarves and poor little dead animals being ripped from their bones and fire and whatnot, and blah blah blah, I didn't care. ("Quit yammering, furball, no one cares," snapped Rodney. The three elves and Gimli were not getting along.) Until–

"This is no mine..." Boromir began.

"Again, someone interrupts the narrative," I grumbled under my breath.

"...it's a tomb."

Gimli started moaning "No!" and I could SEE that Legolas, Rodney and Amelia felt bad, though I'd sooner die that admit it to them. Well, I just did admit it, does that mean I have to die now? ...Okay shut up.

"Goblins," spat Legolas, examining an arrow he had pulled from a skeleton's chest. Eww...

"We make for the Gap of Rohan," said Boromir grimly. Who put him in charge? "We should never have come here. Now get out of here, get out!"

We all started backing up. I felt something cold, wet and slimy wrap around my ankle and yank me off my feet, and I did the only thing my brain wasn't too scared to do:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!"

**Legolas POV**

A scream from Liana made us all start, and as we turned, she was being dragged into the water by a giant tentacle. As we rushed to help her, another twenty tentacles came up and one seized Frodo.

"First she becomes a hobbit, now this!" yelled Amelia, severing a tentacle that had wrapped around Antony. "Why does all the shitty stuff happen to Liana?"

"Because she's based on the author!" replied Stimpy, running towards the cave because he couldn't do anything to help. Saria ran over, put Molly next to Stimpy and came back to help.

"FUCKING SHIT!" I could hear Liana yelling. "PUT ME THE FUCK DOWN! FUCKING SHIT-BAG OCTOPUS!"

"QUIT CURSING OR WE WON'T BE ABLE TO KEEP THIS AT PG-13!" yelled Saria.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" Merry demanded. He had already picked up the language the five teenagers, plus their cats, used.

The two tentacles holding the two hobbits dangled their small forms helplessly over the creature's gaping mouth, and both screamed in terror. Liana stopped cursing and emitted a wordless screech. The scream was deafening everyone, as she had a rather high-pitched voice to begin with. Finally, Saria and Boromir severed the right tentacles. Liana tumbled into Aragorn's arms, and Frodo into Boromir's.

"LEGOLAS!" the latter called. I shot an arrow about a half a centimeter above his head and it hit the creature squarely between the eyes. Aragorn rounded up the dry hobbits and Liana's friends.

"Come on!" he yelled, running into the mines.

"INTO THE MINES!" Gandalf added. As we started running, the octopus, if that was indeed what it was called, pulled itself _out _of the water and tried to follow us. The doors of Moria crumbled behind us and we were sealed in.

"We now have but one choice," said Gandalf ominously. "We must face the long dark of Moria. Be on your guard. There are older and fouler things that orcs in the deep places of the world."

I nodded. I knew the creature of which he spoke. An enemy so deadly, so powerful, that death was–

**Liana POV**

Would ya shut up, Legolas? Jesus Christ SUPERSTAR, you're annoying. Anyway, Boromir put me down and the light from Gandalf's flameless candle or what the hell ever it was, and I ran to catch up with Amelia.

"I hate Middle Earth!" I declared. "First I become a hobbit and then I get PMS and then we have to go with the Fellowship and then I have to be carried by Legolas, even though he's sexy, AND NOW I GET ATTACKED BY THE FUCKING OCTOPUS! What next?"

I tripped over a skeleton and came face to face with the skull.

"I FUCKING HATE MIDDLE FUCKING EARTH!"


	6. Merry and Pippin Get High on Reese's

**Disclaimer: LOTR? STILL NOT MINE! Gah... here you all are, a nice long chapter to make up for the previous ridiculously short one. No, no, no, I STILL don't own Lord of the Rings. JEEEEEEESUS! Sorry, but my Two Towers DVD isn't working and I just got my braces tightened and I am extremely P.O.ed. Okay, even though I only got four reviews for chapter 5, I'm posting chapter 6 anyway! You people better give me five reviews for this chapter, or I shall bring forth the Apocalypse! In other words, I'll discontinue the story. Makes you want to review, huh? (Evil grin) **

**Shout-Out for the chapter: SPECIAL CONGRATS TO MY CAMP/LORD OF THE RINGS/PHANTOM OF THE OPERA PAL, KATHLEEN, 13OURLADYOFSORROWS13, FOR BEING THE 30TH REVIEWER!**

_(From Last Time)_

"_I hate Middle Earth!" I declared. "First I become a hobbit and then I get PMS and then we have to go with the Fellowship and then I have to be carried by Legolas, even though he's sexy, AND NOW I GET ATTACKED BY THE FUCKING OCTOPUS! What next?"_

_I tripped over a skeleton and came face to face with the skull._

"_I FUCKING HATE MIDDLE FUCKING EARTH!"_

"Shut up, we have to be quiet," said Amelia in response.

"Hey ya know, we must be going by the movie, cuz in the book, FRODO screwed up and threw a rock into the water, thus drawing out the octopus, and MERRY solved the riddle."

"Don't talk so loud, especially about that," said Rodney. "One, we don't want to be killed by a bunch of orcs, and two, you could change everything if they knew they were in a movie.

"Retard," he added as an afterthought. I glared.

"You better shape up or I might just throw She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named(1) into the story too," I said.

(1 - Once upon a time, we were playing soccer in gym and Rodney accidentally kicked the ball into this girl's face and now she is out for revenge. The end.)

Rodney paled. "No, don't! I would... do something... that would... cause you pain!" he finished lamely. I pretended to tremble.

"I'm sooo scared. Amelia, Saria, Antony, Fish is going to hurt me! Waaahhh... OWW!"

I fell again as a certain elf hit me again with his bow, this time crashing right into Merry and Pippin, knocking them down. (Fangirls run to help them up screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!"; Liana and Lindsay, who are the same person, team up to form SUPER LI! Super Li brandishes sword. "BACK! BACK! BACK, I SAY!")

"Sorry, guys," I said, standing up and extending a hand towards Merry. But since he was bigger than me (FEH, EVIL HOBBIT-NESS) I wound up falling on the pair of them as I tried to pull them up... again.

Laughing rather cruelly, Rodney and Saria helped us up.

"Will you young ones please quiet down?" grumbled Gimli.

"OH, _TERRIBLY _SORRY, MR. GIMLI SON OF GLOIN!" I all but screamed. "IF YOU WANT ME TO BE QUIET, JUST SAY SO!"

"Valar!" groaned Legolas, clamping a hand over my mouth. "You're going to be the death of us all!"

And that was when I decided that my sole duty was to push Legolas to the brink of insanity before we reached Gondor. Yes, GONDOR, not MORDOR. I had no plans on going to Mordor any time soon. Let Frodo and Sam deal with the Evil Dude. Ooh, shit, Amelia would probably want to go with them.

"YEE-OUCH!" he yelped as I bit his hand. I started spitting.

"Ugh! Blegh! Yuck! Eww! Try WASHING your HANDS!"

"_Stop yelling_!" loudly whispered Merry, Pippin, Antony, Stimpy, Saria, Amelia, Rodney, Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Molly and Gimli at the same time. Hey, that was the entire Fellowship except me! THEY MUST LOVE ME SO MUCH!

Actually, no, they all looked about to kill me. Maybe they didn't love me as much as I thought.

**Legolas POV**

I did not like the look Liana gave me one bit. It was what I would eventually come to call the Smirk of Death. Even then, in that brief period of time when I believed her to be a perfectly normal human teenager, I became deeply frightened as she smirked at me.

"Legolas," said Amelia, walking up to me, "watch out. When Liana gets a look like that, it means nothing good."

**Liana POV**

I WANT MY POV BACK, YA STORY HOG! JEEEEESUS!

ANYWAY, we walked. And we're walking... and we're walking... and we're–

"Ow!" I yelped as some pebble-like thingybob whacked me in the forehead. I looked forward to see Antony, looking like he had made a major boo-boo.

"Sorry, Liana, I was aiming for Rodney," he said quickly, and the Evil Elf from Hell (Rodney, not Legolas) behind me threw a much bigger pebble-like thingybob back at the Retarded Human from Hell.

"Antony, I dub you Monkey Shit," I said. I think he was bleeding. Poor guy. NOT! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (J/K Anthony!) He flipped me off.

So we came to these stairs, that were more like climbing a ladder. Jesus Christ SUPERSTAR, who CLIMBED this stupid thing? I didn't want to complain out loud, but when I almost slipped off, my diarrhea of the mouth came back.

"WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF PERSON NEEDS FREAKING STAIRS LIKE A GODFORSAKEN LADDER?" I screamed. Legolas, who was climbing up behind me (I was wearing pants, you pervert!), growled and seized my ankle.

"Liana, if you do not be quiet, I will throw you off the stairs."

"But there are not stairs, Oh Blond Tall Freak With Ridiculously Pointed Ears! This is a ladder!"

"Liana, I must ask you something. Do you know that you are a hobbit?"

"Please, darling, I do not wish to speak of it. The very KNOWLEDGE that I have become even SHORTER than I already was simply KILLS me inside!"

"I see. Do you know that hobbits have pointed ears, just... like... elves?"

"...Damn you."

In front of me, Pippin almost fell.

"Pippin," I heard Merry say, and he gave him a shove. Merry, now that he was actually taller than me, was hot. Well, he had always been hot, but now that he was taller than me, I wouldn't be made fun of (AHEM HEM, RODNEY, ANTONY AH-HEEEEMMMM).

I'm skipping the part where Gandalf brags about Mithril and crap, cuz I was on the About-To-Die side of BORED during his whole lecture and don't remember much of it. Not until we came upon the three doors where Gandalf decides to suddenly get Alzheimer's Disease and forget where we were did I snap out of my boredom trance.

"Are we lost?" whispered Pippin.

"No, I don't think we are," replied Merry. "Shhh, Gandalf's thinking."

"Merry."

"_What?_"

"I'm hungry."

"And for that, dear Fool of a Took, you receive what we call CANDY," I said, rummaging in my bag. "HOLY _MERDE!_ I HAVE REESE'S!"

"What are Reese's?" asked Merry curiously.

"CHOCOLATE AND PEANUT BUTTERY GOODNESS!" I replied. Rodney, with his new elfy sense of smell, wrinkled his nose.

"Ew, peanut butter."

I threw half of a rather heavy metal pen at him (it had long since run out of ink). "Phooey," I said in a baby voice. And I pulled out the twenty-nine Reese's I had for some reason and pooled them between two of my fellow hobbit-ish organisms and myself.

"Heads up!" I called, and tossed one each to the rest of the Fellowship minus Rodney. "You know," I said to him, "I DO wonder what in the WORLD the drama club is going to do without Rooster and Grace in _Annie _this year."

"Yeah..." said Rodney, not really paying attention to what I was saying. Then, comprehension dawned on his face. "OH, SHIT! WE'RE GOING TO MISS THE PLAY! WE'RE LEADS, THEY CAN'T HAVE THE FREAKING SHOW WITHOUT US! AND DAMN IT, I WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO SEEING YOU HAVING TO PLAY SOMEONE WHO'S BASICALLY IN LOVE WITH GEORGE AND I DON'T GET TO SING EASY STREET AND– OW!"

"CALM DOWN, MAN!" said Saria. I threw the other piece of the pen at his head, and he calmed down a bit.

"And I'll have you know that I've been mad at George since September," I snapped. "When we were in _Seussical_, at CAP and I was in my retarded BRIGHT FRIGGIN' YELLOW Who outfit and he goes 'HEY LIANA TURN AROUND' so I do and HE TAKES A PICTURE OF ME WITH HIS CELL PHONE!" I got pissed off just thinking about it. "He still hasn't deleted it, you know, the picture."

"Wha'd I miss, mans?" asked a sleepy Molly.

"You missed Rodney freaking out," I said sharply. "That only happens every thousand or so millennia! You MISSED it!"

"Liana, do shut up," said Legolas and Stimpy at the same time. Sighing and popping the last bit of my Reese's in my mouth, I lay back, only to sit straight up as someone pounded me in the shoulder.

"THESE REESE'S THINGS ARE GOOD!" Pippin was yelling. I gazed at him in shock.

"It takes that little sugar for you guys to get hyper?" I asked in disbelief, switching my gaze to Merry, who was positively quivering with energy. "Jesus. No more Reese's. Hey, would ya lookit that, I rhymed." Then I looked down. "HOLY SHIT! YOU TWERPS ATE ALL MY REESE'S!"

Crap, I couldn't call them twerps. They were about six or seven inches taller than me. Damn it all...

"No more candy for you!" I smacked both guys upside their heads and sidled up to Aragorn. "Can you please not smoke in my presence?" I asked, putting on a high-and-mighty English-accented voice. "I find that the fumes that contain rat poison, nail polish remover and other icky things quite destroy my voice."

"Liana," said Aragorn, "it would be no tragedy to us if you lost your voice."

That FIEND! "Yes it would! Watch this!" I took a deep breath and put on my best Carlotta voice (from Phantom of the Opera). "THIIIIINK OF MEEEEEEEE... THINK OF ME FOOONDLYYYYYY WHEEEEEEN WE'VE SAAAAAAID GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODBYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYE!"

"DEAR ERU!" cried Legolas.

"REMEMBER MEEEEEEE ONCE IN AWHIIIIILE PLEASE PROOOOOOOMISE MEEEEEEEE YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU'LL TRYYYYYYYYYYY!"

"LIANA! STOP IT!"

Something heavy was thrown at me, and hit me squarely in a place that is really, really painful in girls. Yeah, THAT place, ladies.

"OOWWWWIIIIIEEEEEEE!" I screeched, looking over at... aha! The culprit was Amelia. I picked up the rock (it had been a rock) and lobbed it back at her.

Growling, I slunk away from people and pulled Bloodsnow out of its sheath. I decided that all my hair had to go. It was down to the bottoms of my shoulder blades and way too bushy to be manageable without daily showering (eww...). First I took the top part and cut it to the middle of my head, and the the bottom to the middle of my neck. Once that was done, I poured water from a water bottle all over my head and combed gel through it (how much stuff did I have in that messenger bag? The thing was bottomless!) Then I decided to show it off.

"Hi, Lego-Lass!" I exclaimed, walking over to him. He started.

"What happened to your _head_?" he demanded. Ooh, smooth.

"I cut my hair, you silly-willy walnut head!"

"_Why_ in the name of _Eru_ would you-"

"It was pissing me off."

Next I walked over to where Amelia, Rodney, Saria, Antony, Stimpy and Molly were. "Hey guys."

"Did your head get attacked by a lawnmower?" were the first words out of Stimpy's mouth.

"No." I stuck out my tongue. "_Et nouse est dans_ Middle Earth, _mon cher_. 'Tis deprived of head-attacking lawnmowers."

"It's _nous **sommes**, not nous **est**," _said Rodney.

"Oh, shut up."

"You look like Amelia!" exclaimed Antony. Amelia whapped him with the feathery side of an arrow. "Ow! What? You do!"

"I tink it look nice," said Molly.

"Thank you, Molly," I said. "At least SOMEONE appreciates my subtle genius."

"How is _that," _asked Stimpy, pointing at my hair (or the lack of it) with his paw, "subtle?"

I was about to retort, but a certain old fart cut me off.

"Ah," said Gandalf suddenly. "It's that way!"

"He's remembered!" exclaimed Merry.

"No, he hasn't, he's a geezer," I said under my breath. Antony gave me a disapproving look.

"No, the air doesn't smell so foul down here. If in doubt, Meriadoc, always follow your nose."

"Told ya," I whispered to Antony. We headed down the tunnel-thing. For a friggin' long time.

"Oh, I wish I wish I were a fish for if I were a fish I wouldn't wish I were a fish for I would be a fish, hence I would have my wish," I sang.

"Hey, Rodney's a fish," said Antony.

"Well, you know, Magic Johnson..." began Saria, then, in front of me, she shook her head. "I got nothing."

"Too bad Colby's not here," I said. "She can rattle off anything for hours. Good old Colby.."

To my surprise, my throat kind of tightened a bit and my eyes teared up. I was really missing my friends.

"Liana, what's wrong?'" asked Amelia.

"I MISS COLBY AND KACIE AND DAWN AND SHAZIA AND NICOLE AND THE OTHER NICOLE AND THE _OTHER _NICOLE AND THE FOURTH NICOLE AND KELLY AND THE OTHER KELLY AND JACKIE AND SARAH AND BRANDON AND ANTHONY AND STEVE AND RAINA AND MAURA AND JANE AND ROSA AND CAITLIN AND JILLIAN AND KRISTIN AND SALLY AND KATHLEEN AND BRI AND-" here I paused for breath "-AND EVERYONE EEEEEEELSE!"

I started to bawl hysterically into Legolas's tunic, much to his (and everyone else's) disgust.

"MARY-SUE," accused Amelia, Saria, Molly and Stimpy at the same time. I grinned as Legolas pried me off of his clothing and bounded to the very front of the line, far, far away from me.

"No, I'm not, he was just the closest person because I had stopped and he kept walking."

"Behold," said Gandalf as we walked into the underground city place, "the great realm and Dwarf city of Dwarrowdelf!"

"Now there's an eye-opener and no mistake," breathed Sam.

I started humming the music from the soundtrack at this particular point in time, and was about to be murdered by two P.O.ed elves, two P.O.ed humans and two P.O.ed cats when–

"Hoh!" exclaimed Gimli, running towards the room which I knew was Balin's tomb.

"YOU INTERRUPTED THE NARRATIVE _AGAIN!_" I yelled before I could say in my mind, _Liana, you are retarded. Stop talking. _Whenever I warned myself against doing something stupid, the voice sounded eerily like Stimpy. Oddly enough.

"Well, we have to get ready to fight a bunch of smelly hyenas now," said Saria, shouldering her backpack and following the Original Fellowship (DUNDUNDUN) into Balin's tomb.

"What the _hell _did you just say?" asked Antony warily. Clearly he did not know the sound of a smelly hyena when he heard it. Or maybe it was because the ignoramus had never watched the movies? Well, whatever it was, the poor guy was clueless.

Gimli was kneeling at the tomb when we walked in. Gandalf was already reading from the book.

"We must move on," said Legolas, "we cannot linger."

"You JUST figured that out?" demanded Amelia.

"Liana. Saria. Amelia. Rodney. Molly. Stimpy. What. The hell. Is about. To happen?" growled Antony.

"Battle," I said quietly, not wanting any nosy blond elves (cough cough LEGOLAS cough) to hear. "Big, bloody battle."

"Anyone die?" he asked nervously.

"Almost," I said wistfully, and Amelia hit me with a rock. I was about to retort, but–

CLANG! BAM! BOOM! SMASH! CRASH! BASH! CLASH! CRUNCH! CRACK! BANG!

Pippin shuddered with every interjection (if you didn't know what that meant, brush up on your grammar). Once they had faded away, Gandalf looked livid, and Antony about to faint.

"_Fool _of a Took," the old geezer said quietly. "Throw yourself in next time and rid us of your stupidity."

Suddenly, we heard the drums and the evil cackles of Orcs On Crack.

"Ooh, shit," I heard someone mutter.

"Orcs!"

"Thank you, Sir Points-Out-The-Obvious-A-Lot!"

"LIANA, SHUT UP!"

"Jesus, that was the entire Fellowship minus me again, wasn't it?"

"SHUT **_UP_**!"

"OW! No need to get violent!"

"Get back! Stay close to Gandalf! Bar the doors!

As Gandalf sheparded us hobbit-types and Saria and Antony over near the tomb, Boromir was closing the doors, with Aragorn helping. Rodney and Amelia ran to help. We heard a roar.

"They have a cave troll," Boromir said dryly.

"Less talky, more blocky!" I said as Legolas tossed an axe to Boromir, which he used to block the door. Legolas grabbed Rodney's shoulder and Amelia's thrust them backwards.

"Stay close to Gandalf!"

"Stimpy, Molly, get into that crawlspace!" Saria yelled, pointing to it. Since they couldn't help us in the battle, the two cats obeyed.

"Let them come!" growled Gimli. "There is one dwarf yet in Moria who still draws breath!"

Boromir and Aragorn finished blocking the doors and came back to where the rest of us were standing. The three elves had arrows nocked, Gimli's axe was nearly quivering, Aragorn also had a bow, and the rest of us had our swords (or in Antony's case, twin knives) drawn. Sting was glowing blue, and the rubies on Bloodsnow were casting a blood-red light.

"Well, that's convenient," I said.

Legolas managed to shoot an arrow into the little hole an orc had made, and a shriek of pain was heard. Aragorn shot into another little hole, but when Rodney and Amelia tried, the arrows simply stuck in the door.

"Damn," I heard Amelia mutter. But once the door broke down and all hell broke loose, she'd have plenty to shoot.

And speak of the devil.

"Prepare for hand-to-hand combat!" I yelled because I wanted to feel important.

Orcs spewed into the room, and the battle met head on. Ew, ew, and EW! These guys REEKED! Frodo, screaming, ran into the fray, followed by the other three midgets (who were, sadly, all more than five inches taller than I was) followed him. Yelling something in Spanish, Rodney joined the battle, closely followed by Amelia and Antony. Saria and I looked at each other.

"Ghandi would want it so," she said in an old-person voice. We ran into the fight.

"COMPLEMENTS OF THE CHIPPEWA FALLS DAWSONS!" I yelled as I stabbed at the first orc to get in my way. I managed to get Bloodsnow into his shoulder, but sadly, all I did was break his armor, without cutting his skin. "Aw, shit..." I dove between his legs like Sam was doing AT THIS VERY MOMENT with the cave troll, and grabbed up a rock. Weapon in hand, I jumped onto the orc's back and hit him with the rock, causing him to fall forwards. I yanked on his shoulder, pulling him back, and he landed, unconscious, with a thud. Feeling very proud of myself, I pulled Bloodsnow out of his shoulder and beheaded him. "Well that took longer than it should have," I mumbled, running to sever an arm off one of the orcs that was about to smash Merry's head in. While it became distracted trying to hurt me, Merry plunged his sword into the thing's stomach.

"Thank you, Liana!"

"You owe me!" I yelled in response. He ran to pull Frodo off to the side with Pippin, and I concentrated on my orcs. I looked up to see Legolas ducking as the troll tried to swipe his head off with the chain. "YEAH LEGSIE! WAY TO GO, LEGOLAS! GO LEGO! GO LEGO!" He ran up the chain and fired into the troll's head.

"YAHHH!" yelled Antony, slipping his twin knives into an orc's head.

"Having fun, Anthony?" I asked him, ducking as Rodney and Amelia shot volleys of arrows at oncoming orcs.

"Not really!" he replied as black orc blood spewed all over him.

I looked around to see if Saria needed any help, but she was doing great! She was surrounded by about six orcs, and four dead ones lay at her feet.

I heard the troll roar again, and saw Frodo playing hide-and-seek with it. Suddenly, some orc guy tried to grab my hair and instead just wound up smacking me in the back of the head, my hair too short to be grabbed with huge fingers in bulky armor. "WHO'S THE LAWN MOWER HEAD NOW, EH? I KNEW SHORT HAIR WOULD COME IN HANDY!" I swiped its head off.

"Aragorn!" I heard Frodo scream. "ARAGORN!"

"FRODO!"

Another orc came at me and I stabbed it through its... well... fill in the blank. It keeled over in agony and I plunged Bloodsnow into its back. As I was able to look up again, I saw Saria and Amelia fighting back-to-back. Rodney had climbed up one of the pillars and was shooting arrows from above.

"JESUS!" I screamed as one landed about an inch away from my feet. "WATCH IT, FISH!"

He pointed the next arrow at me threateningly, and I yelped, diving out of the way. Of course, I dived into another orc.

"YEEK!" I thrust Bloodsnow into its neck. Finally, I heard the grunting noise from Frodo that meant the battle would be ending soon. I looked up. Merry and Pippin were looking at each other in horror.

"AAAARGH!" they both yelled, jumping onto the troll. The canon Fellowship, along with Antony, began fighting with a newfound fervor, until everything except the troll was dead. As I watched, it grabbed Merry from its back and swung him around, the latter screaming his head off.

"HA!" yelled Rodney, shooting an arrow at its tail. It threw Merry at him, much to his dismay. Hobbit crashed into elf, and both tumbled towards the ground.

"FIIIIIISH! YOU FELL!" I laughed at him as he stood up blearily. "Is Merry okay?"

"I think so," Rodney said, leaning down to shake his shoulder. Merry sat up dizzily.

"I'm all right... Rodney's head broke my fall," he said, grinning weakly. Then he saw Pippin stab the troll in its neck. "GO PIPPIN!"

Legolas shot up its throat.

"GO LEGGY!" Merry and I screamed at the same time. We met each other's eyes and smirked the Twin Smirks of Evilness. A certain elf was not going to keep his sanity for much longer...

The troll fell, dead, and Pippin lay there on the ground, stunned.

"Frodo!" wailed Amelia, practically throwing herself at him.

"Okay, stop with the dramatics, Drama Queen," I snarled rather nastily. Everyone turned to me, angrily.

"What is _wrong_ with you?" demanded Stimpy, coming, with Molly, out of his crawlspace.

"What?" I said. "We all know he'll be okay."

As if on cue, Frodo sat up, coughing and groaning. "I'm all right," he said. "I'm not hurt."

"You should be dead," said Aragorn in relieved disbelief. "That spear would have skewered-"

"Stimpy!" I said. He hissed at me. "What? You're fat!"

"I think that there is more to this outfit than meets the eye," said Gandalf knowingly. As Frodo unbuttoned his shirt to show us his Mithril bra, I shook my head as Amelia squealed.

"Ew," I said. (Author's Note: Okay, quick anecdote. Once upon a time, Liana and Amelia were at lunch and Liana, in all her intelligence, realized that Elijah Wood's initials were E.W., hence saying EW whenever he was talked about.) "Amelia, you called ME a Mary-Sue."

"Shut up, Liana."

And then the drums again.

"Ooh, shit, here come the hyenas," said Rodney very uncharacteristically.

"Hyenas?" asked basically everyone except me, Stimpy, Molly, Amelia, Saria and Antony.

"Never mind..."

"To the Bridge of Khazad-Dum," said Gandalf quietly.


	7. The Arrival of More Fools

**Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR, I'd write it in the morning, I'd write it in the evening. All over this land I'd write out danger! I'd write out a warning! I'd write out the love between my brothers and my sisters... all over this land. (That's a song with its lyrics changed, which I don't own) But I don't.** **I don't own _Titanic _either.**

_(From Last Time)_

_And then the drums again._

"_Ooh, shit, here come the hyenas," said Rodney very uncharacteristically._

"_Hyenas?" asked basically everyone except me, Stimpy, Molly, Amelia, Saria and Antony._

"_Never mind..."_

"_To the Bridge of Khazad-Dum," said Gandalf quietly._

"RUN FOR IT!" I yelled as Gandalf led the way out of the friggin' tomb room place thing. Stimpy and Molly ran at the front with him. Unfortunately, I was probably the worst runner there. Saria wasn't great either, but as she was not a hobbit, my legs were shorter than hers. Rodney, I knew from his many laments about not being able to run unless he stretched as we ran laps in gym, wasn't very fast, but as he was an ELF (haha! I have no idea why that is so funny...) he could barely jog, and be in front of all of us except perhaps Aragorn and Legolas.

"Oh, shit, I can't run," I moaned. "In through the nose... out through the mouth... in through the nose...EWWW!"

More spider-ish orc things were crawling from the floor and the ceiling and I felt like we were in that movie _Alien_, where they're trapped in space with an alien in the ship. Ew. Only we had about a million aliens.

"BREATHE, LIANA, BREATHE!" I yelled at myself, fighting not to fall behind. Jeez, all the shitty stuff _did _happen to me.

Soon enough, we were circled, and even though I knew what would happen, I was scared out of my mind. I mean, duh. Even though the spider-ish orc things wouldn't end up killing us, the Balrog might, or I might fall off the stairs.

"SQUAWK! CACKLE! REEEET!"

"OO!" The Balrog noise sounded.

The corridor at the back of where we were lit up, and all of the orcs ran away. Gimli started laughing at them, but us people who knew what would happen were scared out of our minds.

"What is this new devilry?" asked Boromir quietly. Gandalf had this vacant, WE'RE DOOMED expression as if he had been whacked by a hammer.

"A Balrog," he said ominously. "A demon of the ancient world..."

"Leggy?" I asked, walking up to him. He looked scared.

"This foe is beyond any of you," continued Gandalf, still looking as if he had gotten clobbered in the head. "RUN!"

"Shit!"

We kept running. When we got to the Place of Death with all the stairs and Boromir almost fell, Antony looked like he would faint or purposely throw himself off the stairs or something.

"Lead them on, Aragorn," I head Gandalf order raggedly. "The bridge is near!" Then, "DO AS I SAY! Swords are of no more use here!"

"Although I wouldn't mind a helicopter," I muttered to nobody. We started running down the stairs and Legolas did his cool little jump-from-one-staircase-to-the-next thing. I was dizzy. The pit below was bottomless and I didn't fancy falling down it like Gandalf.

OH, SHIT, NOW I WAS TALKING LIKE THEM! I DIDN'T _FANCY?_ AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

(Regains composure) All good now.

We came to the gap that was about five feet wide. As I had only gotten 3.5 feet in our distance test in school last year, I was feeling very doomed. Legolas jumped across, closely followed by both cats, Rodney and Amelia. The younger elves ran over to the back of the staircase they were on, where they wouldn't be in the way.

"Gandalf," said Legolas, beckoning him over. Gandalf jumped across next.

"Oh, shit here comes the-" FWISH! ZHING! Arrows were flying at us. Rodney and Amelia wasted no time in running to the back of the stairs and firing arrows right back at the remaining evil hyena orc things. I was surprised when Rodney's arrow hit one of them right in the stomach.

"My aim's off," he said, shaking his head. "I was aiming for his throat."

"Saria, jump!" called Legolas.

She looked over the space, nervously biting her knuckle. "You're biting!" I accused her. She stopped.

"FOR GHANDI!" she yelled, jumping across. Legolas caught her and she joined Amelia and Rodney, dodging arrows, and at times, blocking them with a sword.

"Antony, you next!"

Looking like he wanted to die, Antony jumped just as a piece of the stairs broke off, elongating the gap about two feet. He landed safely and nervously joined the other members of our posse. I suddenly realized that I was standing next to Pippin... with Boromir behind us...

"Pippin! Liana! AAAAGH!" Boromir jumped across with Pippin and I, crumbling more of the stairs. Aragorn quickly tossed Sam and Merry over, and made to toss Gimli.

"Nobody tosses a dwarf! YAAAGH!"

I was running towards the rest of my posse (hah, yeah, right...) and didn't see what was happening, but I played the part in my head, grinning as Gimli yelled, "NOT THE BEARD!"

So Frodo and Aragorn did their little steer-the-stairs-toward-the-other-stairs-and-land-safely-therefore-defying-all-laws-of-realism thing, and soon enough we were back on our not-so-merry trek to the bridge. I was scared shitless as we ran.

"Over the bridge!" yelled Gandalf, stopping short. "Fly!" We ran past him. And presenting, ladies and gentlemen, the Balrog of Moria!

"SWEET MOTHER OF SHIT!" I heard Saria yelp.

"As we say in Jamaica, man... RUN!"

"How would you know? You haven't been to Jamaica since you were a kitten!"

"Less wit' da talkin' and more wit' da runnin'!"

We ran over the bridge, Merry skidding in front of me and almost falling (HE DOES THAT IN THE MOVIE) but we all made it across. All, that is, except Gandalf. The old fart stood with his sword in one hand and his staff in the other.

"You cannot pass!" he yelled.

"GANDALF!" screamed Frodo.

"I am a servant of the Secret Fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun!"

The Balrog brought his fire-weapon-thing down on Gandalf, who had encased himself in this odd dome of light thing. I glanced uneasily around at the people from the actual movie. Six of us seven "real" people knew what would happen... but the original Fellowship, and Antony, had no clue.

"Go back to the Shadow!"

Antony was pale. Pippin looked like he wanted to cry.

"YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

Merry had one hand on Pippin's shoulder comfortingly, but he was scared too. Sam was wide-eyed, and Frodo beside himself. The bridge shattered, and Gandalf stood with his back to us. I played the scene in my head as the Balrog flicked its whip upwards and curled it around the wizard's ankle, pulling him down. He held onto the bridge, trying to no avail to pull himself up. As he realized it was useless, he stopped.

"GANDALF!" screamed Frodo again, trying to run back to help him, but Boromir held him fast.

"Fly, you fools!"

And then he let go.

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Frodo, clawing at Boromir, as the latter was holding him in place. Boromir hoisted him into his arms. "NOOOOOOOO!"

"ARAGORN!" yelled Boromir over Frodo's cries of distress. I tried to ignore it, to shrug it off, but he was right to be screaming. If I'd been him...

Snap out of it, Liana, we hate Frodo, remember? He sent Sam away? He almost KILLED Sam? He didn't BELIEVE Sam?

My head was spinning. I didn't know what to think. I suppose it showed on my face, because–

"That'll be the shock of losing Gandalf, Liana," said Stimpy's voice, and for one bizarre moment, I thought it was that voice that I used in my thoughts when silently chiding myself. We ran out of Moria, onto the rocky terrain that was the bottom of the mountain. "You knew he was going to go, but you didn't _really _think... you know?"

I nodded. Why was I so sad? I knew that he didn't REALLY die. We all found our little places to sit, and the seven of myself, Saria, Amelia, Antony, Rodney, Molly and Stimpy sat together.

"Did that really just...?"

"No, Antony," Amelia said. "Gandalf survives and becomes more wizard-ish and powerful... but ya can't tell anyone."

Antony nodded, looking happier. "Right. How does he survive?"

Amelia and Stimpy set to work explaining what happens with Gandalf, while Rodney twiddled with his bow.

"Geez, a little obsessive there?" I asked him. "You friggin' slept with the thing next to your pillow. I meant to make fun of you about it, but there wasn't time."

"It's weird," he said, totally ignoring what I had just said (rudeness!). "We knew he was going to fall, but... I dunno, now that it _did _happen..."

"Well, he's happily falling into the land of Balrog-fighting-free-falling-snow-ish things, so he's good," I said.

"And Ghandi's helping him," added Saria importantly.

"Legolas," said Aragorn. "Get them up."

"Give them a moment, for pity's sake!"

Yeah, blah blah blah.

"Shut up, Bigmouth," I muttered to no one.

"Yeah, let's just get to Lorien already," added Saria. We shouldered our packs (Stimpy decided to hitch a ride in my messenger bag again) and moved off.

We splashed through that stream that Aragorn goes through and stares at the woods in the movie, and somehow or another, I got drenched as Antony mysteriously pitched forward into the water.

"WATCH WHERE YOUR TRIPPED VICTIMS FALL, FISH!" I yelled at Rodney, shaking off my wet hair at him. He grinned innocently, fooling let's see... (counts on fingers) NO ONE!

"Who, me?"

I tried so hard to trip him, but since he was a god damned elf, he didn't fall.

"CHICKEN!" yelled Amelia out of nowhere. "Random..."

Both she and Antony started laughing their asses off. Saria joined in, and both the cats, and me, and soon enough, Merry and Pippin. Rodney started laughing too, but more out of "wow, you guys are pathetic" than "HAHA THAT WAS FUNNY." Mean...

"Come, young ones!" called Aragorn. "Amelia, Liana, Saria, Molly, Stimpy, Antony, Rodney, Merry, Pippin. We must move."

We jogged (sped) across the big happy field (of death). Rodney was running with Legolas and Amelia, as the three elves were ahead of us all. Aragorn and Boromir were right behind them, and the rest of us lagged behind.

"Can't...breathe...esophagus...burning..."

"Must...not...collapse..."

"Fat...cat...in...messenger bag... not... helping... run..." Stimpy jumped out, looking haughtily at me, and I grinned. "Thank...you...Stimpy..." He looked put out and ran ahead of where Gimli, Saria, Antony, Merry, Pippin and I were at the very back of the group. Molly was alongside Frodo and Sam, talking to them comfortingly in her Jamaican accent.

As soon as we got into the trees, I lay down flatly and refused to move.

"So...tired...can't...move..."

"Ah, come on, Liana," said Saria bracingly. Obviously annoyed, the "senior" members of the Fellowship came over.

"We must move," said Legolas. I shook my head, tired out of my mind. "Well then, Liana, you have a choice. You may walk into Lorien, or you may have your unconscious body carried into Lorien."

I jumped up. "You wouldn't!"

He smiled rather evilly. "I would. Move."

Well, I swear. Huffing, I walked alongside Merry and Saria, with Pippin on Merry's other side. The four of us exchanged glances and grinned. Time to bug a certain blond elf.

"Hey Leggy, we need a new nickname for you," I said, sidling up to him.

"No, Liana, I could write a book with all the nicknames you have given me," he replied.

"What should we call him, Liana? Saria? Pip?" asked Merry.

"Well, we can't call him Ghandi, or Magic Johnson, or Bill Cosby, or William Shatner, or-"

"How about Blondie?" I suggested, interrupting Saria. "Actually, no, that's much too flattering."

"I've got it!" exclaimed Saria, not bothered in the slightest by the interruption. "...No wait, I lost it."

"Damn it."

Legolas raised an eyebrow at us, and I grinned sweetly, nearly walking straight into an arrow.

"JESUS!" I screamed. The elf holding the bow jabbed it at me and I squealed, jumping back. I looked around. Saria was looking mildly surprised (I had gotten distracted and totally forgotten about the Lorien elf peoples), Merry and Pippin scared out of their minds, and Legolas alarmed.

"That dwarf breathes so loud, we could have shot him in the dark," said Haldir, striding out of the woods like some king dude or whatever.

"Yeah well... you people are... um, blond? Except those guys-" I pointed to one of the elf archer peoples, who had dark hair. Another guy had hair that was lighter than the first's but still not blond– "OH MY GOD, BRENDON! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Liana! Amelia, ohmygod! Saria, Rodney, Antony! How the hell did you get here?" Brendon was here! And he was an elf, too!

"Wait - Liana?" The other guy, with lighter brown hair, lowered his bow. He wasn't an elf at all, oddly. But it was another guy I knew.

"JOHN! YOU'RE HERE TOO! I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU SINCE LISSA'S BAT MITZVAH!"

"STALKER!" yelled Amelia. Stalker was Brendan's nickname. He had gotten it because we were at the Valentine's Day Dance in seventh grade and he kept taking pictures of us with his cell phone.

"No, it's Monkey Dude!" And he's been trying to get us to call him Monkey Dude instead of Stalker.

"John, THIS is Saria, and THIS is Rodney and THIS is Antony and THIS is Stimpy and THIS is Molly - yeah, they can both talk - and THIS is Amelia, and THESE are Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Merry, Pippin, Frodo, Sam and Boromir!" I was introducing him, in case you couldn't tell. "Guys, this is John, and that's Brendon, but we call him Stalker!"

"MONKEY DUDE, DAMMIT!"

"More children from your world?" asked Legolas disbelievingly, and I nodded happily. John seemed excited about something.

"Liana, Lissa's here, too, and her cat - Hobbit - and he can talk like Molly and Stimpy! And more people who say they know you - Raina and Jen-"

"Wait." I was stunned. "Is Jen really skinny and does she talk obsessively about Whose Line?"

"Yes."

"And is Raina infatuated with Drew Fuller?"

"Yes."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" I screamed. I ran up to Haldir. "I WANNA SEE MY FRIENDS, DAMMIT! WHERE ARE THEY STAYING?"

Legolas strode up to me and seized the collar of my cloak. "Liana, control yourself. There are _more _of you?"

"YUH-HUH!" I turned to Amelia and Saria. "Guys, you remember Melissa, Lissa for short, from when we went to the fair?"

"Yeah, of course!" exclaimed Amelia. Saria nodded. And yes, Lissa does have a cat named Hobbit. What a coinkidink, eh? "And Jen's here too!"

"And Raina!" added Saria. "This is so cool!"

"Well, before we can take you to meet your friends, young travelers, we must find a talan and stop for the night." (Author's Note: I know this happened differently in the book, but I DON'T CARE! So if I get any reviews telling me that it happened differently, I shall be very put out. And before they actually got to Lothlorien, you see peoples asleep, with Aragorn arguing with Haldir. So there.)

The elf people started climbing trees, and a ladder was thrown down from one. Legolas immediately started up it.

"Liana, Saria, Amelia, Molly, Stimpy, Rodney and Antony will sleep up here," he said. Jon and Brendan cleared their throats expectantly.

"Haldir, can we stay with our friends?" asked Brendon.

"I suppose you must," replied Haldir easily. Well, that wasn't hard. As I started up the ladder, I was grinning my ass off. Could Middle Earth GET any better?

Apparently, it could. Once we were all up in the talan, Saria was digging around in her backpack. Suddenly, I heard her scream.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

"What? What? What is it?" everyone asked, or words to that effect. Saria pulled a portable DVD player out of her backpack.

"AND THAT'S NOT ALL!" she was practically screaming. She then brought out–

"_TITANIC_!_" _we both screamed, hugging each other. Molly groaned, Amelia squealed, Rodney, John and Brendon sighed and Antony just looked weirded out. Saria immediately put the disc in and we yelled at everybody to either shut up or die.

**One Movie Later...**

Saria, Amelia and I were sobbing. _Titanic_, for all of you people who live under rocks, is the SADDEST movie ever made. One of the BEST, yes, but it was so sad.

"I'll never let go, Jack!" we all whispered at the same time. "I promise!"

We all started crying at different times. Saria started as soon as Rose started singing "Come Josephine," I started when Jack sinks under the water, and Amelia started when the camera is screening past Rose's pictures right before she dies and marries Jack. By the end, though, we were hysterical. Everyone was either shaking their heads or fighting back tears. However, this holds no relevance to the plot. But I don't care. _Titanic_ is one of the best movies ever made


	8. The Arrival of More Fools, Part 2

**Disclaimer: Still don't own LOTR... or _Annie_... or _Titanic_... or anything, really, except the Almighty Marsupial Queen (you CAN'T TAKE THAT NAME!) my characters and the manner in which they destroy, fiber by fiber, the plot. And again, Liana has an extremely foul mouth.**

In the morning, I was the first one awake. Stimpy was curled up at my side, purring in his sleep. (Aww, he DOES love me!) I decided to pass the time by digging around in my messenger bag.

"Hmm... what kinds of stuff does the Almighty Marsupial Queen have in her messenger bag?" I wondered aloud. I gasped as I pulled out my script for _Annie_ from my middle school. Rodney and I were both in it. I was playing Grace, and he was Rooster. I shook Rodney awake. "Wake up, He-Who-Smells-Of-Fish."

"I do NOT smell like fish!" he snapped, waking up. I laughed at him and held up the script.

"I've found the Script of Highlighters and Time-Killing!" I exclaimed happily. "If we get back before March, if they haven't replaced us, we can still do the show! Well actually, my role is double-casted, so it's no big deal because Kristin is awesome but they'll need a new Roos-"

"And you woke me up for no other reason than the fact you found the script?" he asked incredulously.

"Yep!"

"You suck, Liana... who is this John person?"

"Well, you know I moved into our school in the middle of sixth grade, right?"

"Yeah. The only time middle school was peaceful was sixth grade, before Christmas break."

"_I_ came during Christmas break!"

"My point exactly."

"EVIL. Well anyway, John's from my old school, and so is Lissa. Can you believe Raina and Jen are here?"

"Yeah, what is it with people from our school? And your old one?"

"Weird, eh?"

"Yeah. All people who know you, but not necessarily each other."

"Because I am, in the words of Saria, so FUCKING important. And now for something completely different. Did you ever finish that story, with the dude whose name is just a line () and he's waking up, and the fire, or whatever?" Rodney had written about six pages of a story after yours truly inspired him with a story I started writing. Bwahahahahahahaha. Fear me.

"Eh, no. I haven't really thought of a plot."

"And that, my fish-like friend, is what we call writer's block. Fear it."

"_Vox._"

(Rodney calls Antony and I "Vox" because we call him Fish, and neither of us know what the hell it means.)

"WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN, DAMMIT?"

"SHUDDUP, LIANA! I WANNA SLEEP!" yelled Amelia.

"Can NOBODY get ANY rest with you all around?" demanded Stimpy, standing up and stretching.

"Valar! Are you always so loud in the morning?" asked Haldir.

"You have no idea," Legolas replied in a "woe-is-me" voice. I decided to say something completely random.

"I've decided I don't have friends anymore," I said importantly.

"What?" demanded... well, basically everyone.

"I have 'lovelies.'"

"_What?"_

I grinned rather insanely. "It's just another word for 'friends.'" I love being eccentric. The odd looks you get are rewards in themselves.

"Liana, you've changed since fourth grade," said John, shaking his head.

"Of course! Then, I was but a weak, nine-year-old outcast, struggling to conform. Now, I am a strong, thirteen-year-old outcast, happy to be so." (Truth.) "Thou art smileyer than thou art remembered, my Perpetually Grinning Friend."

John is, like, always smiling.

"You're not an outcast!" said Saria, Antony and Amelia at the same time.

"I beg to differ," muttered Rodney and Stimpy under their breaths.

"So, guys, how's life been?" I asked John and Brendon.

"Eh... we were pretty much adopted in with the elves," shrugged John.

"First, we had to all become friends, because Raina, Jen and I didn't know John, Lissa and Hobbit," added Brendon. "Then, we had to get used to the fact that Hobbit could talk."

"Anuddor talkin' cat?" asked Molly, interested.

"Yup."

We met up with the rest of the Fellowship. Over the course of the day, as we trudged endlessly through the woods, I became steadily less peppy-happy. I wondered why. Was today special, or was I just insane?

Probably the latter, everyone would say. I grinned at the thought, then tripped over a stray root and twisted my ankle.

"FUUUUUUUUUUCK!" I screeched. Okay, peppy-happiness gone. "OW, SHIT, OW, FUCK, OW, PAIN, OW, SUFFERING-"

"Are you okay?" asked pretty much everyone.

"NO, I AM NOT OKAY! I JUST TWISTED MY FUCKING ANKLE AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL AND OW! AND OH GOD! I JUST REALIZED THAT _HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE_ CAME OUT WHILE WE WERE HERE!"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Antony, Saria, Stimpy, Molly, myself and Rodney at the same time.

I nearly started sobbing, but instead opted for a scream of pain and frustration. I mean, god! My ankle _hurt_. Legolas knelt next to me and put his hand on my forehead. I shoved it away.

"NO, I DON'T HAVE A FEVER, YOU FOOLISH BLOND-ELF-PERSON!"

"Be quiet, little minx!"

The pain dulled a little. "Yay for Legolas and his girly healing powers!"

"Hey, Liana," said Rodney randomly, "remember when were babysitting at the temple and your mom sprained her ankle? And then you started running around like you were retarded?"

"Shut up, Rodney."

So, we made it into Lorien (what the hell is the difference between Lorien and Lothlorien? I mean, really...) without any further injuries. I was limping along between Merry and Pippin, my arms around their shoulders (they were helping me walk, you pervert, because no one felt like carrying me). When we got to the stairs (after Haldir made his boring-boring-boring lecture about Galadriel and Celeborn, and who-not-but-I-don't-care), however, I found it quite impossible to walk up the stairs.

"Leggy-Lu-Lu, I can't walk up the stairs," I sniffed, putting on a show of course, as I wasn't really near tears. I was, however, unable to get up those damned stairs.

"Aragorn, it's your turn to carry her," said Legolas. I felt like kicking him. Which I did.

And that was how I came to be carried up the giant tree by Pete, A.K.A., B.O. Man, A.K.A., Stink King. Hey, cool. StinKing. Haha. It could be "Stinking" _or_ "Stink King." See how smart I am?...Okay, shut up.

"Hey, Petey, where are we going?"

"To see the Lady Galadriel."

"Why?"

"Because we must."

"Why?"

"Because we have entered the wood."

"Why?"

"Liana, you must stop."

"Why?"

He stopped talking to me then, instead opting for yammering away in Elvish with Legolas.

At long last, we were at the platform dealie thingamabob, or another talan, or what the hell ever it was. And then, presenting the creepy royalty witch elf people, Celeborn and Galadriel. I fidgeted uncomfortably.

"Fifteen there are here, yet sixteen there were set out from Rivendell," said Celeborn in a holier-than-thou voice. "Tell me, where is Gandalf, for I much desire to speak with him?"

Merry's shoulders drooped and Pippin hung his head. Antony looked depressed, and Saria, Amelia, Rodney, Molly, Stimpy and I exchanged knowing glances.

"Gandalf the Grey did not pass the borders of this land," said Galadriel in this annoying Mistress-of-Mystery voice. "He has fallen into shadow." She looked at Aragorn. "The Quest stands upon the edge of a knife..."

"So that's what this platform is," I muttered mainly to myself, but Merry elbowed me.

"...Stray but a little and and it will fail, to the ruin of all. Yet hope remains while the company is true."

Shit... shit... shit... she was looking around at us... shit... don't talk to me inside my head... shit... shit...

_You are not from these parts, little one._

SHIT!

_Uh, no, My Lady,_ I said meekly. _My friends and I are from Long Island._

_You are all aware of what will come to pass, I gather._

_Most of us... Antony isn't really, we just fill him in as we go._

_I see. And are you worried, child?_

_Yeah._ No hesitation there. _I'm worried that I'll screw the whole thing up. Rodney already warned me against talking about it too loudly but–_

_Be careful, little one. _Ugh. Little one. _Rodney is correct. _Huh. That's a first.

_I'm also worried that my friend Amelia will want to go with– uhh, never mind._

She seemed to understand why I couldn't talk about Amelia going with Frodo and Sam to Mordor, and pressed on gently.

_That is not all that is worrying you, little one._

_That's just it, _I said rather moodily. _I'm tiny! I'm about two feet tall, no joke. Maybe a couple of inches over. I feel so helpless! _

_Fear not, young Liana, _she said, and withdrew from my mind. Phew!

After Boromir started crying, Merry stared at his feet, Rodney quailed and Amelia shifted uncomfortably under Galadriel's unwavering gaze, she started talking again.

"Do not let your hearts be troubled. Go now and rest, for you are weary with sorrow and much toil." Her eyes rested on John and Brendon. "I believe, young ones, that your friends would like to see the young ladies who arrived with you."

"Yes, My Lady," said Brendon.

There was debate about who got to carry the annoying hobbit who had her ankle sprained, and then Boromir was stuck doing it, walking down the stairs.

"So, John," I said, able to look at him because he was walking behind Boromir. "What exactly are you? I see Stalker here is an elf-"

"MONKEY DUDE, DAMMIT!"

"Stuff it, STALKER!"

"I'm a sort of wizard-ish person... at least, I can become a wizard." John suddenly looked very proud of himself. Then he deflated. "I suck at spells, though."

"He turned Hobbit's fur neon blue," said Brendon in an undertone.

"Shut up, STALKER."

Brendon looked like he wanted to kill someone. Anyway, we got to the apartment-like thing in the open air, and John and Brendon barged in.

"HEY, GUYS!" said John loudly.

"Hey, guys," replied four voices. Three were very familiar.

"We've got company," said Brendon. "Come on in, guys."

Rodney, Amelia, Antony, Saria, Stimpy, Molly and myself came in. The reaction was loud.

"OH MY FUCKING GOD!" screamed everyone. There was then a hugfest, more screaming, and unintelligible phrases were screeched.

"JEN, RAINA, LISSA, OH MY GOD!"

People were introduced, cats were introduced, and then our story was shared.

"And then that fucking octopus - remember the octopus? Yeah, it got me and Frodo."

"And Merry and Pippin ate a bunch of Reese's."

"YOU ACTUALLY WENT WITH THE FELLOWSHIP, I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT!"

"AND YOU PLAYED WHOSE LINE IN RIVENDELL!"

"And now it's time for bed," said Aragorn, poking his head in.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAWWWW," whined everyone. He shook his head.

"No, I mean it. Everyone who is in the Fellowship must follow me."

Grumbling, I picked up Stimpy and dumped him into my messenger bag. As I went to hug Raina, I realized something. Before we were tossed into Middle Earth/Heaven/Hell, she had been a rather small person. Now, I had to crane my neck all the way up to look her in the eyes.

"HA! I'M FINALLY TALL!" she exclaimed. "I'm an elf. HA! And you're a hobbit! DOUBLE HA!"

"Shut up, meanie," I said.

"I don't want you guys to go! We just met up!" exclaimed Jen.

"Well, we'll talk more when we get on our way again," said Amelia. Aragorn looked at her.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, on our way to - to Mordor, we can talk. Right?"

"Do you mean to say they're coming with us?"

Every single person and cat in the apartment-like thing nodded except Aragorn. He sighed. "I'm afraid not."

"WHAT?" boomed everyone.

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?"

"THEY'RE OUR FRIENDS!"

"WE WANT TO COME!"

"WE MISSED EACH OTHER!"

"THESE PEOPLE ROCK!"

"WE WANT THEM TO COME!"

"WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?" everyone whined at the same time. We begged. We pleaded. We went down on our knees and sobbed. But Pete was firm, and several very angry people went to bed that night.

Next morning, we got gifts. Yay! Gifts! Woohoo! (Starts singing "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" and gets kicked) OW! Okay, okay, I'm good, I'm back.

"For you, Rodney of Long Island, a quiver, enchanted by John."

"I can do _some _things right,"said John importantly. Galadriel smiled at him, and handed Rodney the quiver.

"It will never run out of arrows." Rodney looked ecstatic.

"Thank you, My Lady!"

Next was Amelia. "For Amelia of Long Island, the belt of Nimrodel." (I SAY THERE'S A BELT OF NIMRODEL, SO THERE'S A BELT OF NIMRODEL!) "She sings yet in battle."

"Thank you, My Lady." The belt was blue with a white stone in the middle. It was pretty. Amelia put it on, and strung her bow and sword through it. Of course, she never used the sword, but whatever.

"And for you, Saria of Long Island, a longsword worthy of your skill. I have seen you fence in the Mirror."

"Wow, thank you, My Lady!" The sword was pretty, too. It was the blade was black, with a silver hilt and black pommel.

Antony's gift was a battle helmet, which was iron encrusted with rubies (it was really cool), and Stimpy and Molly both got necklaces that told them when Saria and I were in trouble. Stimpy's, obviously, glowed when I was, and Molly's was when Saria was. Then, it was my turn.

"To you, young Liana of Long Island, we give one of the daggers of King Thranduil, the father of young Prince Legolas. These are of the finest craft, and may surprise you from time to time."

I had no time to ask what she meant, because it was time to leave, so I just said, "Thank you so much, Lady Galadriel."

She smiled and bent down (way, way down) to kiss my head. "As I told Frodo, even the smallest person can do great things. I have not forgotten what you told me."

I smiled gratefully. She was creepy and all, but she was nice.

"I'm going to miss you guys," I said, hugging Jen goodbye.

"We're going to miss you too," said John as I moved on to him.

"It was nice seeing you again," said Lissa when I got to her.

"It was," I said, walking to Brandon and hugging him, too. I hugged Hobbit next.

"Bye, Liana," the cat said.

"Hey, where's Raina?" I asked, looking around. Raina, who was still smug about being over a foot taller than me, was not there.

"She said there was something she had to do, we'll tell her you said goodbye," said Jen. I got into the boat with Saria, Rodney, and Legolas. Amelia was with Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn, and Antony with Gimli, Boromir, Merry, and Pippin.

We waved as we left, and I was sad. I had just found my friends, and now I was leaving them. Well, that was what I thought before Raina jumped up from the floor of the boat, after we had left the sight of the elves who were seeing us off.

"HI!" she screeched, and I jumped a foot into the air and toppled off the boat.

**CLIFFIE FROM HELL! I WANT EIGHT REVIEWS!**


	9. WE'RE ALL SPLIT UP!

**Disclaimer: Don't own LOTR. Oh, and I wanted eight reviews... I got six. Double-you tee eff. And folks... this is the last chapter, but fear not! As I shall return with another fic!**

**Shout-Out for the chapter - ArwenEvanstar83 for being the 45th reviewer!**

_From Last Time _

"_Hey, where's Raina?" I asked, looking around. Raina, who was still smug about being over a foot taller than me, was not there._

"_She said there was something she had to do, we'll tell her you said goodbye," said Jen. I got into the boat with Saria, Rodney, the cats, and Legolas. Amelia was with Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn, and Antony with Gimli, Boromir, Merry, and Pippin._

_We waved as we left, and I was sad. I had just found my friends, and now I was leaving them. Well, that was what I thought before Raina jumped up from the floor of the boat, after we had left the sight of the elves who were seeing us off._

"_HI!" she screeched, and I jumped a foot into the air and toppled off the boat._

Oh, JESUS! IT WAS WET!

Legolas and Saria leaned over the side of the boat and quickly pulled me in, Raina's hands over her mouth.

"OhmygodI'msosorryareyouokaydoyouwanttousemycloaktodryoffI'msorryIdidn'tmeanforyoutofallintothewater-"

I exhaled a fountain of water and looked at her. "For the love of all things fantasy, Raina!"

"I'm sorry!" she exclaimed again.

"It's okay," I said, deciding that being wet had made me somewhat cleaner. Somewhat. I still smelled like some random elephant had come along and crapped on me...Well, okay, not _that _bad. But all of us, except Raina, Rodney, Amelia, and Legolas (because they were ELVES! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA:rolls on the floor laughing: I still don't know why that's so funny...) reeked. "It's not like I have Ass-mar's huge ass, or I would've sunk and drowned."

Raina, Rodney and I started laughing. The three of us take French in school, and our teacher is Madame Asmar, better known to her students as Madame ASS-mar.

"Why are you here?" demanded Legolas, looking furious.

"You mean you don't love Raina?" I demanded, pretending to look crestfallen.

"Not at the moment. She stowed away in our boat-" me and Raina made our lips tremble "-after Aragorn specifically said they couldn't come-" we sniffled a little "-and left the hospitality of the Lady Galadriel-" we whimpered "-there is no time for this-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" we pretended to sob, falling all over each other. Rodney was doing his best not to look amused (at which he was failing miserably), Saria was hystericaly laughing, both cats were pretending to be asleep so they could ignore us, and everyone from the other boats were looking at us.

"ALL RIGHT, SHE CAN STAY!" bellowed Legolas, and Raina, Saria and I jumped up, yammering excitedly.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"I'm going to regret this," muttered Legolas, massaging his temples.

We chatted happily on our way to that one resting spot, and then Saria randomly decided to yell "RODNEY HAS THREE LEGS!"

Rodney gave her a bewildered look. "_What?"_

Raina gave her an odd look, and I laughed.

When we stopped for the night, I drew Merry aside to talk to him. "Talk" meaning "give an idea that will ruin Legolas's life."

"You sure it'll make him embarrass himself?" asked Merry.

"Yep. Now go tell him to do it."

Merry scampered over to Legolas and talked to him for a minute, and then Legolas, looking doubtful, asked him something, to which Merry nodded. I then decided to bug Legolas, knowing the trap was in place.

"Hey, Prince I'm-So-Beautiful-And-My-Long-Golden-Locks-Flow-In-The-Wind, are we going to be there soon?"

"Well, Liana, 'beautiful' is a term used for women, not men. OHH! Can't touch this!"

Everyone within earshot who had not lived their whole lives in Middle Earth burst out laughing. Legolas looked quite hurt, and then angry as he spotted Merry laughing along with us.

"YOU WRETCHED LITTLE HOBBIT!"

"WOO! I GOT LEGOLAS TO SAY A...um...well, sort-of swear word."

"Good job, Liana."

"Thank you, Saria."

"We need to get him to say 'fuck,' Liana."

"Right you are, Saria." I started digging through my backpack, looking for... I dunno. Something. And I found Something. "OH MY GAAAAAAAAWD!" I screeched, holding Something up. "IT'S SOMETHING!"

Something is a paperweight. She is a frog paperweight that looks like an army camouflage machine exploded on her, with two big black eyes made of beads that stick out. And yes, her name is Something. She's adorable. Oh, and Stimpy likes to attack her a lot.

Speaking of which, Stimpy perked up, dashed over to me, plucked Something out of my hands with his teeth and ran.

"STOP! THEIF! HE'S GOT SOMETHING!" I hobbled over to Aragorn, shrieked wordlessly in his ear because I wanted to, and then tried to run after Stimpy, but it didn't really work. When he came back, I snatched Something and put her in my pocket smugly.

We were on our way again the next morning. I woke up with a sore back, sore neck, and sore ANKLE!

"Same riding arrangements?" I heard Rodney ask Aragorn. I was busy looking at Legolas, who paled visibly.

"Please, Aragorn, no," said the hottie hot blond elf. "Rodney, Saria and the cats can ride with me if they wish, but don't make me ride with those two again!"

Raina and I exchanged "hurt and heartbroken" glances. We made our lips tremble again. Legolas saw it coming.

"Oh, no, please don't-" we sniffled "-Raina, Liana, don't do this-" we whimpered "-don't wail-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" we "sobbed" again, collapsing on top of each other.

"FOR THE LOVE OF ERU!" yelled Legolas. Saria was laughing again, and this time so were Amelia, Molly and Antony. Rodney had turned around so Legolas wouldn't see him (because Legolas twanged bows and such, Rodney cared about his opinion and wanted to be his friend and stuff), but I know him well enough to know that he was one step this side of hysterically laughing. This was fun.

"LEGOLAS DOESN'T LOOOOOOOOVE UUUUUUUUUUUS!"

"Really, can you blame him?"

"STIMPY, YOU'RE SOOOOOOOOO MEEEEEEEEEEEEAN!"

So we did get on our way. Luckily for me (NOT!) I was riding with Amelia, Aragorn, Sam and Frodo this time. And I was miserable, but it was made a little more enjoyable because I kept imitating Frodo when the spider sticks him with her big claw venom fang thingy. Of course, he had no idea, but watching me foam at the mouth is not pleasant for anyone, except Rodney, Saria, Raina, Molly, and Stimpy, who were rolling in laughter. Antony was kind of looking away, and Amelia was glaring.

"Funtime," I said, grinning. Then I lay down for a nap, pillowing my head on my messenger bag.

"Liana, wake up!" said someone about four minutes later. Well, it seemed like four minutes, but it was actually about four hours.

"Neh... uhh... wha?"

Amelia was shaking me awake, and Aragorn was already yammering. Somehow I was stretched out on a cloak instead of in the boat.

"We cross the lake at nightfall, hide the boats and continue on foot..we approach Mordor from the North."

Then Gimli started his little tirade about shit that scared poor Pippin, and I became bored.

"Leggy, we need a new nickname for you," I said, plopping down next to him.

"Must you?" he asked irritably, before walking over to Aragorn.

"Rude-ass," I muttered. "Where are Rod, Antony and Merry?"

"They went to get firewood," said Raina. She and Saria were drawing on rocks with a bunch of Sharpies they'd found in my messenger bag.

"Oh."

"...Something draws near... I can feel it," Legolas was saying. I walked over to Stimpy.

"Hey, Shtomp, what's up?" I asked, sitting next to him.

"Bad things," he replied. "Look..." His necklace was glowing. "Molly's also."

I winced. This meant very bad events.

Merry, Rodney, and Antony returned with firewood, and Merry delivered the line that was kind of like the calm before the storm: "Where's Frodo?"

Aragorn's head went right up and he looked at Boromir's shield... and bolted. Shit. Shit. And uh... shit.

"Come," said Legolas, looking around at all of us. "Molly, Stimpy, get into the trees - _stay here._"

The cats obeyed and the rest of us grabbed our weapons. We had very limited amounts of time to choose where we were going, but we all did choose. I knew Amelia would circle around and go back to the boats to wait for Frodo; she was going to Mordor with Frodo and Sam. Saria, Antony, Rodney, and Raina were smart and stayed with Legolas and Gimli, and I was stupid and limped after Merry and Pippin.

"WHERE ARE LIANA AND AMELIA?" yelled Saria as they came upon the seat of seeing or whatever it was called. Aragorn was already kicking ass.

"I DON'T KNOW, THEY WENT IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS!" replied Rainia.

They dashed up to the orcs to fight - but most of them knew what was going to happen. But what they didn't know was what would become of their two friends.

"FIND THE HALFLINGS!" I heard that one dude, Lurtz, yell. "FIND THE HALFLINGS!"

"GUYS!" I screeched. "Wait up!"

"Liana?"

"What are you doing?"

"Your ankle is sprained!"

"You should have stayed with Legolas!"

"Stop yelling at me, we have to get to a hiding spot!" Merry and Pippin both nodded and Pippin, who was nearer my height than Merry, helped me hobble over to the hollow where they had hidden in the movie. We crouched down inside it to wait for something to happen. I knew we were waiting for Frodo to run by, but the poor guys looked like they were waiting for their death.

After awhile, a bunch of orcs ran by, and even though I knew they wouldn't see us, I was scared shitless. Once they were gone, we stood up.

"Frodo!"

"Hide here, quick!"

Being the pain in the ass he is in the movie (I don't know about you guys, but I liked him a lot better in the books), Frodo shook his head a couple of times. Pippin looked at Merry and I.

"What's he doing?"

"He's leaving," said Merry softly. Pippin stared in disbelief, then started to get out of the hollow.

"No!"

"Pippin!" Merry and I both whispered urgently. We both stood up to grab his arm, but I knew what was about to happen. _You are so stupid, Liana!_ said Stimpy's voice in my head. _You should've stayed down!_

Merry looked at the Wimp Queen. "Run, Frodo. Go." He gulped, then raised his voice and flailed his arms. "Hey! Hey, you!"

"Hey!" yelled Pippin and I, Pippin catching on and me pretending to catch on.

"Over here! Over here!"

Orcs. Lots of orcs. And now it was time to run.

"OW, FUCK, MY ANKLE!" I screeched, but seriously, I've never run so hard in my life. It was killing my ankle, but adrenaline and common sense were fighting a battle, and adrenaline was winning, big-time.

"It's working!"

"I know it's working! Run!"

We ran. My ankle fucking hurt. But I ran anyway. And it was then that I figured out how I was going to die. I was going to jump off the waterfall to put myself out of my misery because of my god damn sprained ankle.

We made it to the Clearing of Death, as I called it, and were cornered. But then came the Bigmouth of Gondor to save the day. Then, amazingly, I felt bad that I had been mean and called him names and crap, even though I knew how everything ended. Merry, Pippin and I ran to the side to throw rocks, and it didn't even occur to me to use Lady Galadriel's dagger.

Boromir, just like in the movie, was putting up an amazing fight. When he got into a tight spot, a couple of rocks were thrown and a couple of orcs fell, not dead but unconscious. And then a little streak of black whistled through the air - and embedded itself in Boromir. He fell to the ground, but kept on fighting. Even though I knew it was useless, I found myself silently urging him, _Get up! Fight! Kill Lurtz! Dodge the next two arrows!_

Another one streaked through the air and he yelled in pain. I could feel tears running down my face as he fell to his knees, and looked at us. We were in shock, even me. This had been sad in the movie, but in real life, I was beside myself. Especially as he attempted to keep on fighting, just to be struck down by the third and final arrow.

Merry grabbed his dagger and let out a ragged cry, racing into the swarm of orcs, and Pippin followed. I wasn't even thinking straight, I just drew Bloodsnow and ran. The next thing I knew, the ground was a lot further away. For a second, some detached part of my mind thought I was un-becoming a hobbit, but then I realized I had been grabbed by an orc. A million thoughts crashed through my mind in about a second.

_I hope Amelia's with Frodo and Sam, I hope the others aren't dead, I hope I haven't screwed everything up, I hope Molly and Stimpy are still in the trees, I hope I don't die!_

Kicking, screaming and sobbing, Merry, Pippin and I were carried out of the Clearing of Death...

...and into _Lord of the Minks: The Two Towels._

_The story continues when the author gets off her lazy rump and writes _TheTwo Towels


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